08-31-2015, 02:09 PM
Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
the first line screams out for a now at the end but that would make it cliche
the meter in the second line doesn't feel right for me a [knowing there is no take two] would work better.
the punctuation also feels out of wack
the first line above feels a bit trippy and i struggle to make sense of it. in general i do like the poem but it needs breaking down into firm images. the rhymes come a little surprise so they need sorting out with less obvious one's maybe create two lines instead of a long one and add the imagery.
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
the first line screams out for a now at the end but that would make it cliche
the meter in the second line doesn't feel right for me a [knowing there is no take two] would work better.
the punctuation also feels out of wack
the first line above feels a bit trippy and i struggle to make sense of it. in general i do like the poem but it needs breaking down into firm images. the rhymes come a little surprise so they need sorting out with less obvious one's maybe create two lines instead of a long one and add the imagery.