08-31-2015, 05:22 AM
(08-22-2015, 07:32 PM)Misanthrope Wrote: Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?I think this a great poem, the increased indent is a nice touch, like the slippery slope the speaker experiences. I like the simplicity and the impact of all the questions. I too think there may be a few forced rhymes and some lines that may be simplified. For example:
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?
Do you miss the dreams that died, the life you might have had? (the "it seems" makes it bit wordy)
Would you change the way you left that day knowing what you do now? (I think the "coma then comma" stops the flow of that line.)
I have to admit that disagree with mark (not that i have a single drop of experience with inmates) but I think that idea of reminiscing and obsessing about past decisions and actions could be how an inmate thinks.
