I never choose fruit

[crow]

00  I never choose fruit

01  Every lunchtime I slip away,
02  sit on my park bench meal deal,
03  coffee with a shot of vanilla,
04  sandwiches and a chocolate biscuit
05  or fruit.
06  
07  The city drones regardless,
08  a backdrop to my tranquil moment.
09  Today is different, it taps for my attention,
10  vocal chords that wont hold still
11  they shout and scream,
12  blowing panic, man and machine
13  that tumble down crowded streets
14  quicker with each step,
15  rubble falls around me
16  
17  I feel like a drunk woken at a party
18  stumbling to process the marker-pen scene,
19  drowning sirens are seen not heard
20  dust has its hands down my throat.
21  The rubble turns to burning bodies,
22  thumping to the ground,
23  splitting branches from the trees.
24  My mind had told my legs to run
25  long before it told me.  


00 You need a new title.  Maybe use the first of your line 12: 'blowing panic'

1 drop 'i slip away'
2 drop 'sit'
3-7 ok
8 cliché, delete or rephrase, don't use 'backdrop' or  'tranquil'
9 cliché: 'Today is different' , but i like  'it taps for my attention'
rephrase 9 so it transitions to 10
10 ok
11 delete
12 use a word to re-connect it with 10
14 cliché , delete
15 not needed, delete
17-19 good
20 delete
21 good
22 delete
23 good
24-25 delete

Thank you thank you thank you for coming up with a simple line index. 

I know it's poor form to comment on feedback, so I'll give proper comments in a bit, but just wanted to say, this is an awesome way to give comments. Thanks x 10

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Quick proofread in my old format:

I never choose fruit
--consider an ellipse after "fruit"

Every lunchtime[,] I slip away,
sit on my park bench meal deal,
coffee with a shot of vanilla,
sandwiches and a chocolate biscuit
or fruit.

The city drones regardless,
a backdrop to my tranquil moment.
Today is different[. I]t taps for my attention,
vocal chords that won[']t hold still[.]
[T]hey shout and scream,
blowing panic, man and machine
[out:that ]tumble down crowded streets[,]
quicker with each step[—]
rubble falls around me[.]
--ignore the marks above if they get in the way of a desired effect. But the final period feels essential.
----consider, too, "vocal chords that won't hold still / shout and scream. / They . . . "
I feel like a drunk woken [up] at a party[,]
--or "[a]woken at"
stumbling to process the marker-pen scene,
drowning sirens are seen[-]not[-]heard[,]
--or "seen, not heard,"
[and] dust has its hands down my throat.
--again, let the original stand if the agrammatical effect is intended
The rubble turns [in]to burning bodies,
thumping to the ground,
[and] splitting branches from the trees.
My mind had told my legs to run
long before it told me.
--this image is confusing. Note that rubble is generally the result of a calamity, and is usually something sitting at rest (see, http://i.word.com/idictionary/rubble).