08-30-2015, 07:37 PM
__Meditation__
01 My roommate's socks
02 penetrate walls
03 and envelope rooms.
04
05 His morning jog
06 is a cacophonic alarm clock;
07 thumping into shorts,
08 bumping into tables,
09 and shouting pump-up songs
10 in an out of key reminder
11 of my own laziness.
12
13 Our DVR is filled with banal
14 sit-coms, murder mysteries,
15 and reality TV.
16
17 When he leaves a dirty knife in the sink,
18 I smile and think.
1-3 I love these lines -- the mental image they conjure is funny, surreally descriptive,
and oh-how-true of socks gone rouge.
5-6 But you need to be more logical with these two lines. His preparations for his morning jog,
not the jog itself, are the alarm clock. But I'd hate to use a line like: "His preparations for his
morning jog". Maybe you can dream up a more succinct phrase? And I think having it be
"my alarm clock" instead "a alarm clock" would be better. The rhythm of "Cacophonic" doesn't
work for me, I think another word would serve better (not that I know what it is
).
7-9 good
10-11 Another logical problem:
Are the songs HIS out of key attempts to remind you of your laziness?
Or
Do his out of key songs remind YOU of your laziness.
You need to straighten that out.
13-15 good
17-18 ARE JUST WONDERFUL! Don't change a thing.
These two lines perfectly compliment 1-3.
These five lines project a tiny little Surrealist film in my head every time I read them.
01 My roommate's socks
02 penetrate walls
03 and envelope rooms.
04
05 His morning jog
06 is a cacophonic alarm clock;
07 thumping into shorts,
08 bumping into tables,
09 and shouting pump-up songs
10 in an out of key reminder
11 of my own laziness.
12
13 Our DVR is filled with banal
14 sit-coms, murder mysteries,
15 and reality TV.
16
17 When he leaves a dirty knife in the sink,
18 I smile and think.
1-3 I love these lines -- the mental image they conjure is funny, surreally descriptive,
and oh-how-true of socks gone rouge.
5-6 But you need to be more logical with these two lines. His preparations for his morning jog,
not the jog itself, are the alarm clock. But I'd hate to use a line like: "His preparations for his
morning jog". Maybe you can dream up a more succinct phrase? And I think having it be
"my alarm clock" instead "a alarm clock" would be better. The rhythm of "Cacophonic" doesn't
work for me, I think another word would serve better (not that I know what it is
).7-9 good
10-11 Another logical problem:
Are the songs HIS out of key attempts to remind you of your laziness?
Or
Do his out of key songs remind YOU of your laziness.
You need to straighten that out.
13-15 good
17-18 ARE JUST WONDERFUL! Don't change a thing.
These two lines perfectly compliment 1-3.
These five lines project a tiny little Surrealist film in my head every time I read them.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions