Late again edit 1 (Leanne)

[Keith]

Hello Keith,

Perhaps, I needed to see the original poem to better decipher this edit,
as I am having some trouble with the punctuation. On the other hand,
it may just be me, but I will share my difficulties anyway.

I think you need a semicolon after ‘us’ and period after ‘drove.’ If these are correct,
you should employ a comma after ‘asleep’ and another comma should be placed
after ‘tree.’

Does 'it's shape' refer to the tree? If so, then where you have placed, ‘…a pilgrimage…,’
seems off (it's shape is a pilgrimage?). Since, I don’t see a reference to such a trip
preceding this particular clause, the line is a bit of a sore thumb to me.

In the last line of the third stanza, ‘But’ may not be needed, as what follows
does not connect well with the previous line.

In the close, you speak of the force effect prior to indicating a crash. You only presuppose one
by using 'if'. Why not just, ‘Both legs broken,’ and finish with ‘that I knew to be true.’

See what you think
or tell me to get out of the fog!

Cheers/Chris

Thank you Chris, I have put up the original that Leanne gave me feedback on, thank you for your feedback I will have another edit. Best Keith

---

Well... since you invited crit:

The edit, while good, leaves out some necessary details contained in the first draft.
(This happens to me all the time; it's kinda easy to do when they're both in your head.)

"A cold night's eye opened as you drove" - Such an over-blown metaphor would be
right-at-home in a hard-boiled detective novel; but, unless you want to re-write
this as a parody, you need to find something subtler.

The current "Cedars" stanza has had its ironic heart cut out of it. The original, while in need
of a bit of editing, was much better. In the context of the entire poem, this stanza provides
the reader the emotional relief necessary to experience the severity of the rest.

I'd take out the whole bit about the class, it's not believable (even if it happened)
and pushes this poem -- already melodramatic -- over the edge.

You should save your heightened emotions for "I had to listen to you choke".
It leaps over the edge and flies back... VERY believable.

Maybe you should think about reversing the order of events in the poem.
You could start, like many movies do, with the end event: the injury and the death.
The Cedar stanza would come next, followed by the events and that led up to it.
I think this would defuse the melodramatic aspect of the poem and thereby enhance
its emotional effect.

Ray

Again many thanks Ray, all good stuff I can use, I will use this for the edit. Best Keith