08-28-2015, 01:42 AM
The poem is coming along nicely Todd. Nonetheless, I don't think you need the 'once rigid.'
It almost serves as a spoiler for me. 'A line of soldiers' already implies tidiness and discipline
and it nicely falls into chaos with your next line.
I am not making the 'sound' to 'motion' connection or transition well enough. In my three reads,
I keep wanting to change it to something like 'What started in stasis has ended in motion.'
However, that may change your meaning and purpose herein.
Finally, I think the title could be trimmed to simply 'Bifocal.' 'Reading...' really doesn't play to the poem.
'Bifocal' singular would still tie in with 'middle age' (the glasses implication),
while also imply two viewpoints.
See what you think. It's great to see you posting more. I have to get my own fracking ass
in gear and finish working on the half dozen or so drafts clogging up my user control panel.
Cheers/Chris
It almost serves as a spoiler for me. 'A line of soldiers' already implies tidiness and discipline
and it nicely falls into chaos with your next line.
I am not making the 'sound' to 'motion' connection or transition well enough. In my three reads,
I keep wanting to change it to something like 'What started in stasis has ended in motion.'
However, that may change your meaning and purpose herein.
Finally, I think the title could be trimmed to simply 'Bifocal.' 'Reading...' really doesn't play to the poem.
'Bifocal' singular would still tie in with 'middle age' (the glasses implication),
while also imply two viewpoints.
See what you think. It's great to see you posting more. I have to get my own fracking ass
in gear and finish working on the half dozen or so drafts clogging up my user control panel.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris