Reading with Bifocals (Revision 4)

[tectak]

Revision

What was once a rigid line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts, and someone
is tapping their foot like a dripping faucet. some ONE, his foot, surely Watch out for misplaced metaphorical subject...when is a foot like a faucet? When it's tapping. Huh? Someone is tapping HIS foot which sounds LIKE a dripping faucet. Pedantic point but it is easily made safe.
Hyperactive children mainlining sugar,
tiny cockroaches that scurry in and out
of focus, hiding in the cold darkness
of middle age. Not a sentence, Todd.

What happened to the core of the original...it seems to have been eaten away. I am seeing a change of expressed intent in this edit which makes me uncertain of your certainty. If this wasn't an edit.....
Best,
tectak

~~~~

Original
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.

~~~

Edit: Changed the title from Bifocals to Reading with Bifocals, made some other changes reflecting on the comments.