08-25-2015, 05:08 AM
Hiya Morph, and welcome. There are some lovely images in your poem and overall there's a feeling of quiet respect and oneness with the environment. What's holding the poem back the most is your archaic use of grammar -- this is a fairly common problem among beginner poets because there's often a strange idea that pulling out all those annoying little parts of speech like prepositions and conjunctions is what to do in poetry. Also, you're forcing a lot of your rhymes when in actual fact, the poem would probably benefit more from rhyming less.
Let's look at your first stanza:
You are actually obscuring your most attractive ideas behind faux-poetic language. My advice is to write this as you would speak it; poetry is best served by allowing the imagery to speak for itself rather than detracting from it with awkward syntax. It is do-able and worth doing for this poem.
Let's look at your first stanza:
Quote:A golden dawn peeps through a drape -- if it's just peeping through ONE drape, there must be a hole in it. Otherwise, you could have "Golden dawn peeps through the drapes", although "golden dawn" is quite a cliche.
While green verdure shimmers dew -- there is no other colour of verdure but green, that's what it means. It can't "shimmer dew" -- it can shimmer WITH dew though
The rustic bach needs some paint
But today’s without rush -- this is twisted grammar and would work MUCH better as "But today I won't rush"
On morrow I promise -- it would be "on the morrow" if anyone actually said that, but they don't, so there's nothing wrong with just saying "tomorrow"
I’ll give her the brush
You are actually obscuring your most attractive ideas behind faux-poetic language. My advice is to write this as you would speak it; poetry is best served by allowing the imagery to speak for itself rather than detracting from it with awkward syntax. It is do-able and worth doing for this poem.
It could be worse