08-25-2015, 12:49 AM
Hello MIs-
Please read aloud and you'll detect the flaws in meter.
Every line is end-stopped with rhyme, lending that sing-song effect to serious poem. (See any poem by Leanne for learning the art of "enjambment". )
The end-rhymes are forced exactly where you know they are, if you listen, exhibit A:
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Your "need" to rhyme with "dad" led to the clunker line that followed.
The "surprise" ending is less effective, because I seriously doubt that an inmate would think like that. ( I didn't, but I never spent more than a night in lock-up). The toy gun/real gun reality needs more attention, rather than being mentioned in passing.
The "do you..." "would you..." repetitions don't really bother me, but they beg for stronger content to follow.
In all: beware the killer forced rhymes. Learn something of enjambment. Become a master of your own meter.
Tighten'er up and you'll have something here stronger than a "laundry list"....
... Mark
Please read aloud and you'll detect the flaws in meter.
Every line is end-stopped with rhyme, lending that sing-song effect to serious poem. (See any poem by Leanne for learning the art of "enjambment". )
The end-rhymes are forced exactly where you know they are, if you listen, exhibit A:
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Your "need" to rhyme with "dad" led to the clunker line that followed.
The "surprise" ending is less effective, because I seriously doubt that an inmate would think like that. ( I didn't, but I never spent more than a night in lock-up). The toy gun/real gun reality needs more attention, rather than being mentioned in passing.
The "do you..." "would you..." repetitions don't really bother me, but they beg for stronger content to follow.
In all: beware the killer forced rhymes. Learn something of enjambment. Become a master of your own meter.
Tighten'er up and you'll have something here stronger than a "laundry list"....
... Mark
(08-22-2015, 07:32 PM)Misanthrope Wrote: Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?