Reading with Bifocals (Revision 4)

[Todd]

Revision 4

A line of soldiers
slumps with shirts untucked. 
No longer at attention,
one of them begins to tap tap tap
his foot like a leaking faucet
that distracts you from sleep.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
These hyperactive children
mainline sugar. Tiny cockroaches
scurry out of focus
into the uncertain darkness
of middle age.

Revision 3

A line of soldiers
slumps with shirts untucked, 
and one's foot drips
like a faucet with a tap tap tapping.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
These hyperactive children
mainline sugar. Tiny cockroaches
scurry out of focus
into the uncertain darkness
of middle age.
~~

Revision 2.1

A line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts,
and one is tapping his foot
with the rhythm of a dripping faucet.
What started with sound
has ended in motion.
Now, they are hyperactive children
mainlining sugar, tiny cockroaches
sliding in and out of focus
scurrying into the cold darkness
of middle age.

~~~

Revision

What was once a rigid line of soldiers
slumps with untucked shirts, and someone
is tapping their foot like a dripping faucet.
They are hyperactive children 
mainlining sugar, tiny cockroaches 
that scurry in and out
of focus, hiding in the cold darkness
of middle age.

~~~~

Original

What started with sound
has ended in motion.
The words are hyperactive
children mainlining sugar;
tiny cockroaches scurrying
into the cold darkness
of middle age.

~~~

Edit: Changed the title from Bifocals to Reading with Bifocals, made some other changes reflecting on the comments.

Made another quick edit based on Tom's comments (still thinking about the faucet part) not enough to justify a revision--though I did readjust many of the breaks.

Rev 2: I owe quix's fine eye for this hopeful step forward. I incorporated quite a few of her suggestions, and adjusted the line breaks some.

Rev 2.1: Chris, I think after ten or so reads I agree, once rigid is implied. That change I will make and while there is a part of me of me that might think to move slumps up to line one, I think I like the sense of discovery by leaving it on line 2. Thanks again.

Rev.3: Adjusted some lines from Lizzie's comments.