"Some Enchanted Evening" edit 1.0 markabec

[tectak]

Hey Tom-- I cut even deeper.  You must have responded while I was mid-edit...

Tears that crawl upon my cheek are
colder than my skin and taste new to me
now. Before, as music played, I felt
no deep regrets, no heightened states.

Why now, when music plays, do I find
emotion's seat?  Those thoughts I thought
were dead, at this late hour, are all there
saved and salted in my mind.

I smile through strange new tears
of half-formed dreams, and see now
how the Silver Cord, will soon enough
be severed from my mortal form.

“Some enchanted evening”
I will sink into my chair of dreams,
and open up the locks, and out will pour
the raw emotions of the person

I have been, yet never truly was.
How can it be that music moved
my days a long, but all I ever was
became an old, old song?

I get the feeling you like this......  

Control yourself....I am now unsure who we  both are. Let's reassign ourselves Now...you can be the crit again and I will be the author who edits
Seriously though, a cut too deep will make bits fall away that are structural. The silver cord is the out-of-body tether and an essential metaphorical tie...not just because of the cord/chord thing but because the whole piece is built around a song sung by a baritone (Georgio Tozzi), "Some enchanted evening". Of course, the whole piece, like any other, can be pared to death. In this case:

"Music makes me weep these days, it never did before.
Sometimes one song will set me off, sometimes it takes more"

..but where's the fun in that.
Best,
tectak (Shit, I like the short version...you wanna add to it?)