08-22-2015, 01:12 AM
Hey Matt-
I cheated and read the other comments first, so now critique will be subconsciously affected. That said, I'm pretty good with making up my mind, and fending off previous notions...
When we woke,
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,good image
kissed the morning with blood,confused if your intent is "we...kissed" or "light kissed". Structurally, as the sentence reads, I have "kissed" referring back to "we"
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,this is an obscure image to me
and found our pulse. and I find my bearings again. Unfortunately this makes the "silver linings" equate to the blood pressure bands applied to biceps
The sky was covered in ash—I am forced to take this literally, so I picture: forest fire, volcano, or nuclear winter
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands.good description that the ash is real and has a tactile feel
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window,nothing obscure or abstract in this image
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth, gotta really pause here-- what cackles with clenched teeth? My cat makes a different type of pre-attack sound, so I guess is it a metaphor. Problem being, the cardinal will fly off at the first sound of danger (cackling)
and searched for something to eat in the fog. weak ending my friend, esp with all of the previous portents
The introduction of the cardinal and the whole 3rd stanza seem to be the wrong way to end this thing. I certain tension was built, then defused at S.3. Why? Or is there a 4th stanza forthcoming to wrap this one up.
Abstraction is one thing, and I usually like the thought it provokes. Obscurity is another, because it loses this reader almost every time. I don't need to be smacked up side the head, but I do need to be poked in the ear.
You will need to get the inside of your head on to the page a bit better, otherwise this piece teeters on obscurity. (Hey, people love poems that Dylan Thomas wrote, but to me they were obscure, though musical, and nowhere near the quality of his short stories).
I wait patiently for the next draft...
... Mark
I cheated and read the other comments first, so now critique will be subconsciously affected. That said, I'm pretty good with making up my mind, and fending off previous notions...
When we woke,
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,good image
kissed the morning with blood,confused if your intent is "we...kissed" or "light kissed". Structurally, as the sentence reads, I have "kissed" referring back to "we"
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,this is an obscure image to me
and found our pulse. and I find my bearings again. Unfortunately this makes the "silver linings" equate to the blood pressure bands applied to biceps
The sky was covered in ash—I am forced to take this literally, so I picture: forest fire, volcano, or nuclear winter
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands.good description that the ash is real and has a tactile feel
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window,nothing obscure or abstract in this image
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth, gotta really pause here-- what cackles with clenched teeth? My cat makes a different type of pre-attack sound, so I guess is it a metaphor. Problem being, the cardinal will fly off at the first sound of danger (cackling)
and searched for something to eat in the fog. weak ending my friend, esp with all of the previous portents
The introduction of the cardinal and the whole 3rd stanza seem to be the wrong way to end this thing. I certain tension was built, then defused at S.3. Why? Or is there a 4th stanza forthcoming to wrap this one up.
Abstraction is one thing, and I usually like the thought it provokes. Obscurity is another, because it loses this reader almost every time. I don't need to be smacked up side the head, but I do need to be poked in the ear.
You will need to get the inside of your head on to the page a bit better, otherwise this piece teeters on obscurity. (Hey, people love poems that Dylan Thomas wrote, but to me they were obscure, though musical, and nowhere near the quality of his short stories).
I wait patiently for the next draft...
... Mark