08-22-2015, 12:41 AM
True to the forum, I am a novice and can only offer my opinion.
Your first two lines grabbed me, but then I got lost in all of the imagery. I agree that the piece would provide a clearer understanding of insomnia if it were stripped down. In my opinion insomnia is not so verbose. Usually the mind is racing with disconnected thoughts. I also feel that a subject like this loses some of the effectiveness of portraying the despair felt by the subject if there is too heavy of a focus on rhyming. Just a personal opinion. I would also suggest to play with the line lengths and breaks. Remove unnecessary words. Sometimes a single word can say much more than a full sentence.
Your first two lines grabbed me, but then I got lost in all of the imagery. I agree that the piece would provide a clearer understanding of insomnia if it were stripped down. In my opinion insomnia is not so verbose. Usually the mind is racing with disconnected thoughts. I also feel that a subject like this loses some of the effectiveness of portraying the despair felt by the subject if there is too heavy of a focus on rhyming. Just a personal opinion. I would also suggest to play with the line lengths and breaks. Remove unnecessary words. Sometimes a single word can say much more than a full sentence.