could probably do better with a consistent meter, you say in a reply, you want it to be vague 
. personally i don't like poetry unless it holds something substantial i can grab on to. as for line ends. they're called line ends because it's where a line, or a portion thereof usually ends with some kind of pause. most professors would agree. a short pause with a comma, longer with with a period and a host of other pauses depending on the the next line and or punctuation. how do we deal with un-punctuated poetry not all poems have it. i get a sense of being away form the city and in awe of the universe but it feels too weak to make me read it twice [though i had to in order to give feedback] the first line doesn't grab me and say. you will be rocked by the awesomeness of the poem and universe. while you rightly gave attributes,; they more or less were the complete poem. think about this; [i could be wrong of course] these two memorable lines, the only memorable lines of the poem belonged to someone else.
. personally i don't like poetry unless it holds something substantial i can grab on to. as for line ends. they're called line ends because it's where a line, or a portion thereof usually ends with some kind of pause. most professors would agree. a short pause with a comma, longer with with a period and a host of other pauses depending on the the next line and or punctuation. how do we deal with un-punctuated poetry not all poems have it. i get a sense of being away form the city and in awe of the universe but it feels too weak to make me read it twice [though i had to in order to give feedback] the first line doesn't grab me and say. you will be rocked by the awesomeness of the poem and universe. while you rightly gave attributes,; they more or less were the complete poem. think about this; [i could be wrong of course] these two memorable lines, the only memorable lines of the poem belonged to someone else. (08-20-2015, 04:31 AM)Sharramon Wrote: Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,, no need for [tyres] as we can presume the car has them
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.
The sky is empty, but some distance away so it's not really empty, just empty-ish
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars. this isn't a bad image but the mixed quotes screw it up.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."** why two quote in one set of marks
I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly clutter and softly are at odds with each other and gently from the 2nd line
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty for me this feels disjointed and unconnected to the lines above would it and the line below have worked better after vacantly?
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.
*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus