08-20-2015, 11:42 PM
Hey Tom-
Since you've got this one in MISC, I can see that (as you say) you are stretching a bit to get back into maybe more serious stuff.
I usually do not read all the comments before commenting, but again, this is MISC, so I did...
This one is chock full of sonics, which is a great way to limber up.
Do the sonics betray the (serious) tone of the poem. Maybe. I let 'em slide, because the sonics and end tone combine to convey a jaded feel. And jaded is how many of us react to "the news". Especially if it's "news" that we hear over and over...
I think multiple people pointed out the pier/peer thing as a cheap rhyme, and of course, I agree. Might as well join the scrum. Nothing limbers the critters better than a good old fashioned piling on in the MISC of things... (OK, I'm through being me, now).
I do think that "appear" can work to resolve the peer/pier thing, esp if read aloud, then "appear" could easily camouflage "peer"... I saw your response to John on his suggestion, and **my opinion** is that if "appear" can fix the rhyme, then the meter can be fixed, as well, so don't be a crybaby over spilled syllables...
.
Actually, and upon review, it just may sound contrived no matter how you cut it when the public appear upon a pier to peer. Good thing it's your poem.
Anywho, just my 2 cents, which may not amount to sense.
... Mark
Since you've got this one in MISC, I can see that (as you say) you are stretching a bit to get back into maybe more serious stuff.
I usually do not read all the comments before commenting, but again, this is MISC, so I did...
This one is chock full of sonics, which is a great way to limber up.
Do the sonics betray the (serious) tone of the poem. Maybe. I let 'em slide, because the sonics and end tone combine to convey a jaded feel. And jaded is how many of us react to "the news". Especially if it's "news" that we hear over and over...
I think multiple people pointed out the pier/peer thing as a cheap rhyme, and of course, I agree. Might as well join the scrum. Nothing limbers the critters better than a good old fashioned piling on in the MISC of things... (OK, I'm through being me, now).
I do think that "appear" can work to resolve the peer/pier thing, esp if read aloud, then "appear" could easily camouflage "peer"... I saw your response to John on his suggestion, and **my opinion** is that if "appear" can fix the rhyme, then the meter can be fixed, as well, so don't be a crybaby over spilled syllables...
. Actually, and upon review, it just may sound contrived no matter how you cut it when the public appear upon a pier to peer. Good thing it's your poem.
Anywho, just my 2 cents, which may not amount to sense.
... Mark