08-20-2015, 01:22 PM
Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.
1) It took me a few reads to become comfortable with the first line, and it has a lot to do with the present participial phrase. Although you could argue, grammatically, that you’ve used it as an introductory phrase, the continuation of pres. participle into present tense always creates issues. While it is not technically a comma splice, it reads like one.
2) I’m not sure why you felt the need to insert “insulated” into the third line. This creates further chop in the reading. I agree with florescent that we’d need further explanation of what you’re insulated from, exactly, for this to work. Even if there is some justification, I cannot think of a single reason why you must say so.
3) I agree that setting the scene can be important, but there needs to be substantial imagery in order to claim it is necessary. This stanza leaves more questions than answers, which is never a good sign. Why is the speaker in the car? Why at night? Why is this particular scene important?
The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**
1) I agree with florescent that “some distance away” is far too vague.
2) More questions: What city? How can the sky be both empty, starlit, and conquered by city lights? If you mean there are no clouds, find a better way to state it. Why are the quotes there and why is the speaker saying them out-loud? If he/she is not, remove the first sentence of the next stanza.
I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.
1) “The car clutters softly” is a beautiful line.
2) The alliteration you’ve used in the second line is too harsh. Also, the vagueness hurts you yet again. “Some track of tar” gives me nothing.
The ending is nice, giving the contrast of someone in the car, who strangely quotes old poetry, and a vagrant of the past. It’s a clean and warm image, but getting there was a bit of a hassle.
The varying rhyme structure that you confused me. The first contains no rhymes, the second consists of ABAA, and the third is ABAB. You already have an issue with fluidity in the work, and this just exacerbated it.
Overall, you have something here, but it needs fleshing out. The scenery sounds pretty, but I can’t get a clear picture. This poem needs specificity in a bad way.
As a note - I reviewed this poem without reading your explanation of it on purpose. I wanted to go into the piece knowing nothing and ask you/comment on the topic as a first time reader.
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.
1) It took me a few reads to become comfortable with the first line, and it has a lot to do with the present participial phrase. Although you could argue, grammatically, that you’ve used it as an introductory phrase, the continuation of pres. participle into present tense always creates issues. While it is not technically a comma splice, it reads like one.
2) I’m not sure why you felt the need to insert “insulated” into the third line. This creates further chop in the reading. I agree with florescent that we’d need further explanation of what you’re insulated from, exactly, for this to work. Even if there is some justification, I cannot think of a single reason why you must say so.
3) I agree that setting the scene can be important, but there needs to be substantial imagery in order to claim it is necessary. This stanza leaves more questions than answers, which is never a good sign. Why is the speaker in the car? Why at night? Why is this particular scene important?
The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**
1) I agree with florescent that “some distance away” is far too vague.
2) More questions: What city? How can the sky be both empty, starlit, and conquered by city lights? If you mean there are no clouds, find a better way to state it. Why are the quotes there and why is the speaker saying them out-loud? If he/she is not, remove the first sentence of the next stanza.
I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.
1) “The car clutters softly” is a beautiful line.
2) The alliteration you’ve used in the second line is too harsh. Also, the vagueness hurts you yet again. “Some track of tar” gives me nothing.
The ending is nice, giving the contrast of someone in the car, who strangely quotes old poetry, and a vagrant of the past. It’s a clean and warm image, but getting there was a bit of a hassle.
The varying rhyme structure that you confused me. The first contains no rhymes, the second consists of ABAA, and the third is ABAB. You already have an issue with fluidity in the work, and this just exacerbated it.
Overall, you have something here, but it needs fleshing out. The scenery sounds pretty, but I can’t get a clear picture. This poem needs specificity in a bad way.
As a note - I reviewed this poem without reading your explanation of it on purpose. I wanted to go into the piece knowing nothing and ask you/comment on the topic as a first time reader.