08-20-2015, 12:54 PM
If you do take out one of the repeats it should be the first occurrence.
"A nail in the stool
Lends a slant to my spine;
A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind."
However, reading it this way doesn't have the same effect for me as it does with the repeat. Even though the poem is short, the repetition gives it a pleasing cadence as wall as keeps it from sounding trite. Small uncomfortable things like a headache or a splinter or a nail on your bum all have this ability to become every other thought in your brain. The refrain washes over the speaker repeatedly as does the awareness of the nail. If there were more verses they should all have this refrain until the reader practically feels the nail as well. Also, I tried and tried to like it with barstool, but it messes with the sound of it. Honestly I read stool as in chair the first time around, and would never have thought to read it another way. However, I'm not nearly as good at all this as your first two critics, and only contradict them with trepidation. But I tried hard to like it with the changes and it made it somehow less for me. Anyway, I love it when a poet captures a little play in only a few lines. I can see the whole story and feel for the protagonist. For what it's worth ...
--Quix
"A nail in the stool
Lends a slant to my spine;
A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind."
However, reading it this way doesn't have the same effect for me as it does with the repeat. Even though the poem is short, the repetition gives it a pleasing cadence as wall as keeps it from sounding trite. Small uncomfortable things like a headache or a splinter or a nail on your bum all have this ability to become every other thought in your brain. The refrain washes over the speaker repeatedly as does the awareness of the nail. If there were more verses they should all have this refrain until the reader practically feels the nail as well. Also, I tried and tried to like it with barstool, but it messes with the sound of it. Honestly I read stool as in chair the first time around, and would never have thought to read it another way. However, I'm not nearly as good at all this as your first two critics, and only contradict them with trepidation. But I tried hard to like it with the changes and it made it somehow less for me. Anyway, I love it when a poet captures a little play in only a few lines. I can see the whole story and feel for the protagonist. For what it's worth ...
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara