08-20-2015, 08:04 AM
Hey, it's the first person I wrote something for! Hey, what's up.
I've read through your response and I've thought over it a little.
First! I'm not sure you're doing this but when reading a poem don't take a break at the line breaks. I think you're supposed to only take a break when there's a comma or period to stop you. I think I'm quoting my professor on that. I feel that might be what's causing you some problems but I'm not sure.
The first two lines I could agree with but I'm not sure if I'm going to change. I've always had a weakness for taking a while to set the scene. The tires roll 'down' and the car parts the night. It's soft and weak and it sets the scene.
Blankly out was done on purpose knowing that it might sound a bit odd. I wanted specifically for the word 'blankly' to hit before 'out'. Since I want that word to be the first that the reader encounters to set up the concept of blankness for them to throw out of the car window view. I also wanted that line and the next to be a little choppy. So I used single syllable words to finish the lines.
Thank you for the imagery! Also, yes! It is almost a direct steal of 'look upon these works, ye Mighty, and despair!' from Ozymandias. The next line is a reference to the myth of Prometheus who stole fire for us humans. They are both references to older things so I used language that was a little archaic. The two lines are in quotations to answer your question of 'what do you mutter?' They both show overt human pride. Ozymandias is a poem about failed human pride, and the artificial city lights in the distance proclaims that we don't need the flame from the stars that started us off the path of invention that Prometheus gave us. I do agree it might be a little overdone but I'm stealing lines form another poem so I don't know how to make it sound more modern while maintaining its meaning D:
The first line of the last verse was intentionally weak and odd. Since I don't agree with the sentiment that was said in the second verse. The word clutter was chosen to be vague, weak, messy, to rhyme with mutter (to tie the two together), and also for its similarity to the word clatter (since the empty can rattles the most hoho).
The poems here is a denunciation of human pride. So ultimately anything human isn't all that good. The track of tar mars the land. Again, the word 'some' was chosen on purpose to make the tar vague and also unimportant. So the vagrant who trod alone before the track and the lights who could look up at the stars is the ideal. That's why in the beginning the tires roll 'down' but the 'lofty' vagrant gazes 'up'. The word 'some' for the vagrant isn't because he's unimportant but because there's so much distance between us and this vagrant. He's a relic of the past and we can't know him anymore. The perhaps was used in a the form 'perhaps he stood here'. So it would read 'perhaps some lofty vagrant once trod'.
The rhyme was also done on purpose! Thank you for noticing. I wanted there to be steadily more rhymes as the poem wore on so that the poem would feel more structured and well... nice (the second verse has a very, very loose rhyme-ish thing going on with away and dismayed.... haha...).
But your confusion as to the theme probably shows that I haven't done a brilliant job at conveying the message. I probably made it way too convoluted. I should try to simplify and make it more accessible and easy to get. Any way you think I could do that?
I've read through your response and I've thought over it a little.
First! I'm not sure you're doing this but when reading a poem don't take a break at the line breaks. I think you're supposed to only take a break when there's a comma or period to stop you. I think I'm quoting my professor on that. I feel that might be what's causing you some problems but I'm not sure.
The first two lines I could agree with but I'm not sure if I'm going to change. I've always had a weakness for taking a while to set the scene. The tires roll 'down' and the car parts the night. It's soft and weak and it sets the scene.
Blankly out was done on purpose knowing that it might sound a bit odd. I wanted specifically for the word 'blankly' to hit before 'out'. Since I want that word to be the first that the reader encounters to set up the concept of blankness for them to throw out of the car window view. I also wanted that line and the next to be a little choppy. So I used single syllable words to finish the lines.
Thank you for the imagery! Also, yes! It is almost a direct steal of 'look upon these works, ye Mighty, and despair!' from Ozymandias. The next line is a reference to the myth of Prometheus who stole fire for us humans. They are both references to older things so I used language that was a little archaic. The two lines are in quotations to answer your question of 'what do you mutter?' They both show overt human pride. Ozymandias is a poem about failed human pride, and the artificial city lights in the distance proclaims that we don't need the flame from the stars that started us off the path of invention that Prometheus gave us. I do agree it might be a little overdone but I'm stealing lines form another poem so I don't know how to make it sound more modern while maintaining its meaning D:
The first line of the last verse was intentionally weak and odd. Since I don't agree with the sentiment that was said in the second verse. The word clutter was chosen to be vague, weak, messy, to rhyme with mutter (to tie the two together), and also for its similarity to the word clatter (since the empty can rattles the most hoho).
The poems here is a denunciation of human pride. So ultimately anything human isn't all that good. The track of tar mars the land. Again, the word 'some' was chosen on purpose to make the tar vague and also unimportant. So the vagrant who trod alone before the track and the lights who could look up at the stars is the ideal. That's why in the beginning the tires roll 'down' but the 'lofty' vagrant gazes 'up'. The word 'some' for the vagrant isn't because he's unimportant but because there's so much distance between us and this vagrant. He's a relic of the past and we can't know him anymore. The perhaps was used in a the form 'perhaps he stood here'. So it would read 'perhaps some lofty vagrant once trod'.
The rhyme was also done on purpose! Thank you for noticing. I wanted there to be steadily more rhymes as the poem wore on so that the poem would feel more structured and well... nice (the second verse has a very, very loose rhyme-ish thing going on with away and dismayed.... haha...).
But your confusion as to the theme probably shows that I haven't done a brilliant job at conveying the message. I probably made it way too convoluted. I should try to simplify and make it more accessible and easy to get. Any way you think I could do that?