Uncomfortable

[Mark A Becker]

Hey WJ-

I think that John boy's on to something, and that your shorty could be even shortier (or is that shortyer?).

Moving "lend" to line 2 is a good idea of his, as well (or is that ass-swell?).

If you don't listen to us, we'll take your watch, and then you won't have anything to say to your little girlfriend, stool-boy. (Don't try giving your name either, as all women know guys like you lie about their names in bars. Especially girls with names like Candy, or Lil'pooh, or Lu-Lu).

Seriously, ya wooden headed splinter brainer, how's that for your "Uncomfortable" now, huh? Ya slanty-spined, pin-pricked nail-butter.

I'd let you tell her my name, but she'd have to honk your horn, or bonk yer brains out on the spot, butt nail or not... Bone up man!

ya da, ya da, ya da,
...Martin

A nail in the stool lends
a slant to my spine;
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

Hi. I read the first line and choked on my pint. A nail up the jacksy would have that effect.    To avoid the schoolboy humour, how about making it a barstool, and starting the second line with lends? It would also impart some natural rhythm.

A nail in the barstool
lends a slant to my spine;

As it's such a short poem, I wonder how it would have worked with a third verse - the repeating lines? Wouldn't work for me. You could cut it down to six lines by removing one of pair of duplicates, and at the same time it will tighten the piece.

Overall, it's easy to be on that (bar)stool. It's an imaginative little piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.