First post.

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the pen. A few posting points: Is the first line your title? If it is it's best to title the thread with it so it can be identified. If it has no title I suggest you give it one and close the space after the first line, it got confusing. The other posting point is to try to make the piece the best you can before posting. What's the good of us telling you what you already know?

To the poem: I think you could improve it by choosing a meter, it would make the rhymes sit better. I can see you try for some originality at the start but you end on a giant cliche. Try to think of a more interesting way to say it.

Good luck with it, I hope you enjoy the site.

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination

 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

I guess when I copied/pasted it from to FB message it added a space between them.  And it doesn't have a title.   The reason I didn't edit it is sentimental I suppose.  The point in life for me then was a good one, just wanted to see what other people thought first.  Thanks for the comments!

If you have work you want to post but don't want to edit you can put them in Misc or Fun, that way people can comment without being obligated to critique.