A Binding Love

[tectak]

I will not critique your poem, Mr. tectak, but get it critiqued by you. "You may get away with unadulterated prose just out of RTF school masquerading as poetry on some eulogy sites but not here". You should not "think that meterless, rhymeless text makes poetry". These are your words, aren't they? So let us examine your poem by your own standards. What is this first stanza of yours, if not 'unadulterated prose"? Let us write it out without the line breaks. Here it is: "Fear brought me here. He binds my hands, my chest, my thoughts. The man who shares me holds the cords that tighten, choke and keep me tied. But who am I? My soul, a broken glaze on dull and blood-crazed, sunken eyes, I do not recognize". Now who would say this is not prose but poetry? Do you think the line breaks, the colons and semi-colons or the inverted syntax at the end, will make it poetry? And, by the way, you are very much against inverted syntax. So why this inverted syntax: "My soul...I do not recognize"? As far as rhyming is concerned, I could not discern even an attempt at achieving it. But didn't you say that 'rhymeless text' does not make poetry? Again, I could not find any evidence of meter either. The first very elementary thing to do in this regard is to count the number of syllables in each line in this stanza. My count is as follows: 12, 11, 15, 14. So the very first test of meter fails when applied to your first stanza. I am not an expert at delineating stressed and unstressed syllables, but even with my little knowledge in this regard, I can say that there is no rhythmic pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in your poem. If there is, please let us know how. So where are the rhyme and meter without which, as per your own statement, the writing is not a poem at all? You are also a stickler for 'poetic' words and expressions. How 'poetic' is "given name"? Is the word 'given' even necessary? And why, at the end of your poems, are you always referring to some extracts from some report? Is this your idea of originality?

Hi sunil,
I agree completely with all of your comments...or should I say my comments. That is what critique is all about. Now, the lesson to be learned here is that ALL IS OPINION. What I dislike in the work of others I dislike in my own....but accept graciously whatever effort the critiques put in to trying to IMPROVE my work.
Now, if several people suggest that I have used the wrong word, or I have become too "wordy", or obscure beyond reason, or make poor enfeebled attempts to rhyme then I am inclined to believe that the opinion is valid.
You should note that there is no obligation, either through dogma or derision, to comply with any of the stipulations we believe makes "poetry". Rhyme, meter, syllable count and whatever else would be by one seen to be poetic may by another be seen to be worthlessy tied to dictat and tradition. The fact remains that one instinctively knows when what is written works. The problem is, it is more likely to work for the writer than the reader...so I thank you wholeheartedly for my critique of my work...but would much prefer that you wrote both your poetry and your critique in words of your own.  
Best,
tectak

---

Hi Tom, long time no see!

It’s a darkling tale and you have created a lot of atmosphere herein.
I have some thoughts for your next edit.

I would suggest replacing ‘; he’ with something else. A simple ‘and’ could work,
just to delay the reveal of this beast until we reach ‘The man.’

You have some extra spaces throughout, specifically between ‘holds  the,’
‘on  dull’ and ‘your  lustful’ unless they were intentional.

I am stumbling a bit on line 2 of stanza 2. First, 'in guilt' sounds off.
It could be me, but what about 'with guilt.' Second, if you rhyme with face
it might fare better. For example: ‘upon my face (whilst in your base and lustful throws)’

I want that ‘piss-filled’ to be ‘cum-stained’ to be more inline with the sexual deviance.

In your closing line, a comma after ‘binds me’ seems to be called for to create
some pause and tension. Also, ‘think’ seems a bit weak in the close, something like,
‘…free to dream/deem/muse...’ may be more poignant.

See what you think. Cheers, my mentor./Chris

Hi chris,
Insightful as always. I have not made clear that the first "he" is not the last "you". The first "he" is the enslaver, the second "you" is the "client". Nonetheless, the point is made and will take some time to put right.

The "spaces" are caused by conversion from *.doc to *docx and back on my bloody tablet. They are in no way intentional.

I had missed the "in guilt/with guilt" option. I believe I have used "...in guilt he wakes" before...no...it was "through guilt"...so this will change.

Rhymes...bloody rhymes...I think in rhymes and sometimes they pop out without my knowledge. This one is not for rhyming but I have tried to paradoxically keep a tight grip on the narrative so that we get a kind of loose soliloquy. It is quite deliberate and has been messed with a good deal.

Chopping up prose rarely makes for good poetry if enjambment, cameo thoughts, metaphors and a certain Gestalt approach to spoken thoughts are not apparent. It just ends up as text with bus-stops where thoughts jump on and off in a random fashion. You may feel that this is occuring here. Let me know.

That last line is irksome. I wanted the strange triality of "free" to be consequential. That is to say free as in gratis (body), free as in liberty(spirit) and free as in thinking (soul)...did it work? Obviously not.

Piss-filled is a reference, UK?, to being inebriated and here I am taking the reference too far, methinks. I was after the "piss-filled" room as a sleezy bar with predatorial inebriates adding to the generally unhealthy environment. Years ago I  had the debatably enlivening experience of visiting such a dive in Middlesbro (the location in the report on which the piece is based)  and can assure you that piss-filled is a wholly spontaneous precursor to something cum-stained...but not yet.

Again, a very fine critique which will be acted upon. It is always encouraging to hear how the transmitted is received  especially from the perceptive among us.(creep )
Very Best,
tectak