08-15-2015, 12:01 PM
Good poem. I love the story: Its halting rhythm, the movie-like jump cuts*,
the necessity to re-read lines. That last one can go both ways. If used right,
it strengthens the effect of the poem, it slaps the reader a bit and makes
her/him take notice. I think you've got it down pretty well; maybe another
edit or two to get the jump cuts right.
Oh, and:
"gets his ticket for the line out
of the car sound and onto Capital South,"
??
-ray
*"Jump cut" - Jean-Luc Godard's Breathless... might be worth a google.
P.S. Go totally naked, it complements the creative confusion necessary to this poem.
But if you go naked, you should break the lines to go with the rhythm and add a few
white line breaks to delineate a few of the stanzas.
BUT! I don't mean you should "smooth it out". Let the meanings mix and
leave the reader to use his/her brain a few times. (I don't mind losing
lazy readers, fuck them if they can't take a joke.)
P.P.S. When I read a poem 10% of my opinion is derived from the rhythm (mainly the
placement of words, not the damn caps or punc. marks) and 90% from the
"story".
"the appropriate changes" aren't bad, didn't screw it up.
the necessity to re-read lines. That last one can go both ways. If used right,
it strengthens the effect of the poem, it slaps the reader a bit and makes
her/him take notice. I think you've got it down pretty well; maybe another
edit or two to get the jump cuts right.
Oh, and:
"gets his ticket for the line out
of the car sound and onto Capital South,"
??
-ray
*"Jump cut" - Jean-Luc Godard's Breathless... might be worth a google.
P.S. Go totally naked, it complements the creative confusion necessary to this poem.
But if you go naked, you should break the lines to go with the rhythm and add a few
white line breaks to delineate a few of the stanzas.
BUT! I don't mean you should "smooth it out". Let the meanings mix and
leave the reader to use his/her brain a few times. (I don't mind losing
lazy readers, fuck them if they can't take a joke.)
P.P.S. When I read a poem 10% of my opinion is derived from the rhythm (mainly the
placement of words, not the damn caps or punc. marks) and 90% from the
"story".
(08-15-2015, 11:43 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: Hey Paul,
To be honest, I wrote this poem a while ago and just decided to throw it up here. I don't remember exactly why I made the choices on punctuation and capitalization, but I understand how it could trip up it's reception.
Made the appropriate changes for a proper read.
Would love if you gave it a second glance and let me know what you think of the material itself. This is one of the poems I'm more fond of, so I'm eager to get as much feedback as I can.
Best,
CK
"the appropriate changes" aren't bad, didn't screw it up.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions