Dope City Jailbreak

[tomoffing]

Hey fluorescent, 
Contextually, I enjoy this. Im not qualified to speak on the poet vs character conundrum, not knowing anything of why it should or shouldnt be allowed... But overall I think youve captured the scattered, manic angst ridden nature of the narrator quite well through the rapid fire succession of imagery (quite because its much better in some places than others, explained below).
Speaking of imagery, theres a lot to like here, but some specifics that irk me, or that are too surreal and thus interrupt the pacing.

I hope some of that makes sense. specific observations and opinions below.
Thanks for the read,

Having now critted below, and read your original, I must mention that the improvements are excellent. thank again
t

Edit.

I wanna be a parasite trolling red-light districts
under fluorescent umbrellas and love-inflicted atmospheres.  Can you be under an atmosphere or only surrounded by it. Im nitpicking
I wanna disappear
in a snowflake flurry of traffic lights and get hung up "snowflake flurry", redundancy. And a flurry of traffic lights... I struggle to see this. Also, Im drawn to conjure Las Vegas already here, which you later confirmed. Snow in las vegas... Rare at best.
in Sunday-newspaper murders, shouting blurry profanities
to the skies in searing daylight. 

On an overall note, i love the pace you set throughout this stanza. You really roll the reader through the expereince. Kudos.

My head's trapped in a Las Vegas ferris wheel, lit up by argon set the introduction of "trapped" here conflicts with the desire in the first 
against a black hole. My mouth's disgorging this line break really halts me. Read aloud its challenging, perhaps drop disgorging to the next so I can see the disgorged wormy blood all at the same time.
wormy, mechanical blood: a lighthouse guiding
prostitutes to their sandalwood-incensed brothels. Purely personal opinion, but Id love "brothels" to be something more immediate and intimate (if intimacy exists in such a situation ). what do I mean, a motel room perhaps, something that puts me right there with a prostitute

Can't you see that I just wanna go? Disappear into a crowd
of undulating teenagers at a sweaty concert; is the crowd undulating, or the teenagers? I can see both. Is the concert sweating? I'd prefer this to be an undulating crowd of sweaty teenagers at a concert. its more coherent.
into a pollution-crowded city gasping to be alive?- pollution cant crowd. repetition of crowd is awkward too. Something different, blanketed maybe.. no thats terrible, ill leave it in your more capable hands.
-desperately alive.


I'm here and now, and I'm dead
on this linoleum-mausoleum floor.
Can't you see that?

Forty three windows blinking from forty three floors
owlishly towards a horde of immaculately groomed problem for me here, owlishly is to far from blinking, and visually the two lines starting with owl are awkward. I would adjust.
owlets in tuxedoes riding neon pink clouds that elevate
to the ninth circle of Hell, sharing company with
the satan Himself.

Articulation is for the blue-blood dead.

Original.

I wanna be a parasite trolling nightclubbing streets
under fluorescent umbrellas and
love-inflicted atmospheres. I wanna disappear
in a snowflake flurry of red lights and get hung up
in eloquently articulate murders, shouting blurry profanities
to the skies in searing daylight.

Head’s trapped in a las vegas ferris wheel, lit up by argon set
against a black hole. Mouth’s flapping
wormy, mechanical blood: a dirty lighthouse
guiding parasites and prostitutes to their
respective brothels.

Can’t you see that I just wanna go? Disappear into a crowd
of rippling teenagers at a sweaty concert;
into a pollution-crowded city gasping to be alive?—
—desperately alive.

I’m here and now, and I'm dead.
Can’t you see that?
—god!

Forty three windows blinking from forty three floors
owlishly towards a horde of immaculately groomed
owlets in tuxedoes riding neon pink clouds that elevate
to the ninth circle of hell, sharing company with the
satan Himself.

Articulation is for the blue-blood dead.

[[this has already been edited from the sprawling, messy original. hopefully it's more poetry-like. personally, i like this, but please rip it apart because i'm obviously biased. also, i used capitals! who's proud of me? i still prefer no capitals, though. ]]