Foil

[John]

Hi, Wjames.

A couple of thoughts below that I couldn't reconcile. Hope they're of some use. Overall, you've helped in the recollection of old memories. Look forward to any rewrite.

Cheers

I knew a girl
who played with emotion, Whose emotion? And in what way? Is it relevant? I need to know.
colouring rainbows and hopscotch
on the school’s black tar pavement. Not footpath, but playground in your case? Is black tar needed?
 
I was always running,
kicking up dust clouds that smudged
her work, dirtying the clothes Because of the comma splicing, this reads as if your mother bought the girl's clothes.
my mother bought  That may be the case if boy and girl are siblings, but it's not clear,
for picture day.
 
One recess,
I made her an aluminium necklace; Try swapping silver and aluminium. You made an aluminium apology for a silver necklace.
a scraggly silver apology
wrapped ‘round a frayed
length of twine.
 
She smiled, and I ran off
throwing stones with my friends. Done that plenty of times. Great ending.