3 am

[Wjames]

First Revision

Thoughts racing, heart pacing,
Wondering still?  I don't understand the question here.
What is life becoming? This seems to be the question you were wondering about. You only need the one question mark, like in the original version.
Outside, the malevolent darkness,
Inside, fragile mind under stress.
The silence is clear,
Sounds disappear,
Only the noises of machines
Remain here.  I thought it was silent? Remain where (forced rhyme)?Ttry and be more specific, this stanza brings up a tonne of questions with no (or few) answers (i.e: what is malevolent about the darkness? - what is causing all this stress?)

Minutes pass by,
Still there is no sleep.
Turn the lights on,
to escape the fright.
Thoughts take flight;
Dreaming of stars
Streaking in the heavens. What is the narrator scared about?

Suddenly, I am overcome with
Solitude.
So turn on the television.
Images dancing around, sounds without shape, What images? When do sounds have shape?
Mind is entertained, slide in the drapes.
Boredom soon takes ahold,
As the heart experiences feelings
Without emotion. What feelings? I don't have the background to understand why this character feels so lonely.

What to do,
In the case of recurring insomnia?
I want no pills,
But soon sink into
Paranoia.
Is anyone watching,
Are neighbors listening?
Fear for the drugs,
They are mind-tampering.
Make an effort,
Close my weary eyes,
It is 3 am.
The nightmares might still come by. Too many questions, not enough answers for me to feel what the character is feeling.

Just some of my thoughts as I read it. I  can't empathize with this character, there isn't enough knitty gritty details ( mainly images, and the context behind the insomnia and nightmares.)