3 am

[John]

Hi, ThePen,

Your subject here is suffering from insomnia and contradictory emotions. If you reduce the wordiness and tighten up the whole, you can alter the pace of the poem. On the one hand you've malevolent darkness and a fragile mind, contrasted with silence, thoughts taking flight, and dreaming of stars. Altering the rhythm can accent each emotion.

I'd also be inclined to either make proper rhyme (not just working here and there), or minimise it - probably the latter. That way a restless and fractious individual may come to the fore, rather than have readers running for a dictionary to find what hebetude means.

Cheers.

My thoughts are racing, my heart pacing,
Wondering still, what my life is becoming;
Outside, there is the malevolent darkness,
Inside, is the fragile mind under great stress.
The silence is clear, as sounds disappear,
Only the noises of machines remain here.

Minutes pass by, and still there is no sleep.
So I am thinking about the watch to keep.
I turn on the lights, to chase away the fright,
My mind stares at the lamp, thoughts take flight.
Dreaming of stars streaking in the heavens,
As a night bread warms up in the hot oven.

Suddenly, I am overcome with great solitude,
So turn on the television, chase away hebetude;
Images dancing around, sounds without shape,
A mind is entertained, as it slides in the drapes.
But boredom soon takes ahold of my imagination, Too informal. Goes with alot (opposite of alittle.)  
As the heart experiences feelings without emotion.

What to do, in the case of recurring insomnia?
I want no pills, but I soon sink into paranoia.
Is anyone watching, are neighbors listening?
I fear for the drugs, they are mind-tampering.
So I make an effort, as I close my weary eyes,
It is 3 am and the nightmares might still come by.