"- George -

[Magpie]

Hi Obadiah Grey,

I like the idea that you are trying to put across in this poem and the overall concept is good. Just a couple of points, the use of burr may be somewhat confusing because although it can mean to smooth over or take away rough edges it can also mean to form a rough edge which I admit sounds strange because they seem opposite but that's the definition.

Also I would be cautious of capitalizing too many words in case it loses its effectiveness, it can work excellently when used very sparingly. In your poem here it doesn't seem to make sense that steel is capitalized when it is detested and then the Green Man who is surely the subject of the whole poem is not deemed as important and therefore not capitalized.

Should it be 'grasses'? Also one more thing the idea of the Green Man being at the 'helm' sounds odd against all the earthy imagery when 'helm' is originally a nautical term although it can be used outside of a nautical reference but here it would seem to distract from the main theme.

I've just noticed that this is in 'miscellaneous' and I probably shouldn't have said so much, apologies for going overboard.

Thanks for the read,

Mark