Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[tectak]

Thanks tectak for your comments and suggestions. I do see you have a point when you say: "Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks". But the actual situation was somewhat different from what you might be imagining. This is a reference to the Himalayas as seen a few minutes after the plane took off from Kathmandu. At that time what was being seen below were the vast undulating Himalayan ranges entirely covered with forests and greener, a continuous sequence of hills and valleys. Maybe the reference to 'peaks' at this stage was wrong, as the word 'peak' conjures up images of the pointed upper tip of a hill or mountain. It would perhaps have been more appropriate, at this stage, to speak of 'Himalayan ranges' rather than 'peaks'.  I don't know whether a reference to the fact that the plane has only a short while taken off from Kathmandu is also necessary for a proper understanding of the poem. The reference to snowy peaks is more appropriate in the third stanza, because by this time the plane had ascended to a high altitude and some snowy peaks at a distance had become visible (i.e. till they were obscured by the clouds). As regards the fact that the description of the Himalayas in the first stanza may not seem to be adequately picturesque or detailed, I would only say that this was not intended to be a poem on the Himalayas but only on clouds. But without reference to the geographical location and the point from which the clouds are being observed, the poem becomes meaningless, especially the third stanza, because the situation described in that stanza will never occur if one is observing clouds from one's garden or rooftop. Thus the reference to the Himalayas is only by way of providing the background to the poem and not by way of a detailed description. I am not able to think of a suitable substitute for 'fluffy balls'. Could you suggest something?

Hi sumi,
I had exactly the same problems as you in trying to adequately describe a flight over the Atlas Mountains, not as a test of my own memory "recall" but as a challenge to find words to describe...er....the ineffable It is not easy. My attempt is on this site somewhere (http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8399....ght=dakhla) and I read it occasionally to see if time and increased vocabulary might help. No one knows how I chip away at my surreptitious editing.
"fluffy balls" indeed. What to say. Let's just look at other things which are fluffy and ball-like. Candy floss, pom-poms, meringues, soap foam/suds, sea foam, spume, isle flottant, panacotta, a scoop of ice-cream, a puff of smoke (from an old steam train), smoke signal, maroons( You know, the fireworks that go way up, explode and leave a scudding puff of white smoke in the sky....YES...like silent maroons!
Now, it is not possible to just make a stab at ANY of these because incorporation requires a build up...if you
really do it well then the final image will be almost expected. Anyway, these to be going on with. A few more minutes and you will think of more but don't think of yourself as a rhyme-whore. A rhyme "scheme" of ABCDEA is not worth hanging on to....especially as it is so wanting that the last stanza skillfully and proudly rhymes "clouds" with "clouds"....come on, who are you kidding because it sure as hell ain't me. This is STILL in Serious. Look, if you cannot rhyme with "orange" change it to "tangerine"
The rest of your points I understand because you understand. It is your poem. Bash it in to submission and rename it "Clouds".
Best,
tectak
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