08-12-2015, 11:42 PM
Thanks tectak for your comments and suggestions. I do see you have a point when you say: "Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks". But the actual situation was somewhat different from what you might be imagining. This is a reference to the Himalayas as seen a few minutes after the plane took off from Kathmandu. At that time what was being seen below were the vast undulating Himalayan ranges entirely covered with forests and greener, a continuous sequence of hills and valleys. Maybe the reference to 'peaks' at this stage was wrong, as the word 'peak' conjures up images of the pointed upper tip of a hill or mountain. It would perhaps have been more appropriate, at this stage, to speak of 'Himalayan ranges' rather than 'peaks'. I don't know whether a reference to the fact that the plane has only a short while taken off from Kathmandu is also necessary for a proper understanding of the poem. The reference to snowy peaks is more appropriate in the third stanza, because by this time the plane had ascended to a high altitude and some snowy peaks at a distance had become visible (i.e. till they were obscured by the clouds). As regards the fact that the description of the Himalayas in the first stanza may not seem to be adequately picturesque or detailed, I would only say that this was not intended to be a poem on the Himalayas but only on clouds. But without reference to the geographical location and the point from which the clouds are being observed, the poem becomes meaningless, especially the third stanza, because the situation described in that stanza will never occur if one is observing clouds from one's garden or rooftop. Thus the reference to the Himalayas is only by way of providing the background to the poem and not by way of a detailed description. I am not able to think of a suitable substitute for 'fluffy balls'. The only substitute I could think of was 'embossed patterns' or 'embossed shapes', which may appear awkward to some. Could you suggest something better? We now come to the inversion: "Putting up a show I would not miss are clouds.." I am not in favor of inversions that appear awkward, contrived or too obvious and which are used only for the sake of forced rhyming. Personally I feel this inversion may not exactly be of that type, and that such inversions are sometimes used even in prose. You have asked what purpose it serves. To me, the inverted syntax seems to serve two purposes: rhyming the first line of the stanza with the last line, a rhyming pattern followed in all the three stanzas. Secondly, it helps in shifting the focus from the Himalayas to the clouds. Anyway, please feel free to give your own suggestions. Your remark: "Peeping is bad but peeping out is worse" Actually 'peep' and 'peeping out' are two different words or expressions with entirely different meanings. They are not interchangeable. Moreover, the word 'peep' has a disagreeable or derogatory connotation only in certain situations. The following is the difference in meaning and usage, as given in the Oxford Dictionary. Peep: to look quickly or secretly at something, especially through a small opening. "We caught her peeping through the peephole". Peep out: to be just visible. "The sun peeped out from behind the clouds". Inasmuch as this was precisely what I was trying to say in respect of the sky only partially visible from behind the clouds, I found the usage appropriate. Please let me know whether you find the last line as originally drafted to be better.