On The Stair, In The Hall

[Cousin Kil]

Revision

THE FLUE (ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL) I still don't think you need "The Flue" here, the title is ample.

there’s fire where there’s smoke and there's water where there's steam?

She looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field
where a home used to be What do you think about rearranging these first three lines? Like a chimney alone in a field // She looked // where a home used to sit, not sure this sounds better but I don't know how I feel about the beginning.
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire Do you light fire with green?
like hold you hazy
and love you
and she said to me the two ands are purposeful?
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every -every
once in a while
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying -and, maybe add a comma?
then her lip trembled
dragged out a drop like smoke
and she tried to hold it in but are you sure you want an and here?
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural here too?
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the damp morning feeling choked here too?
while she vaguely described
her stamped out hearth, I don't know what this means but it may have something to do with my own illiteracy
her new grey lines
and the soot
and I hoped with my arms
I’d kept her warm for the time a while?

Your poem has good meat, but I would tenderize the point.

Thanks for the critique News. I'm glad you pointed out the "and" issue. Reading the poem to myself it felt very natural for some reason which is why I wrote it that way, but seeing someone read it and find it unnatural pushed me to "tenderize" and omit some of the "ands". The places where they stayed is where I felt they were the most natural, even if a little redundant, but I think the poem is now overall for the better.
Made other revisions as well upon reading the critique. Let me know what you think about the latest revision, particularly about the last line. I think I like it better than the original, but would love to get a second opinion.

Also in regards to the line about the hearth, I wanted to stick with the chimney image as well as address the idea of a violation/abuse going on. I decided a good way to express that would be "stamped out hearth", as in someone stamped out coals on the hearth of a fireplace, leaving behind ash.
The line following, "new grey lines", is meant to the combine the image of the ash with the idea of her reciting practiced lines and lies after such abuse in order to not be a "burden" on others, as she put it.

Thanks again,
Cousin Kil