08-12-2015, 12:19 AM
Hi Wjames,
This is a nice little poem you have, and I especially like your last two lines
like "throwing stones with my friends"- there's a little bit of an undertone to it that would be cool to explore, though perhaps doing so would escape the intention of the poem
There's not too much I can say against the rest of your lines, save that there are a million words out there to mess around with and see what fits
Some of your word choices, while not totally out of place, I feel could be made better
For instance, "scraggily" to me come off as a little odd to describe crinkled foil, and it seemed to be there more for the alliteration than the image
Of course, maybe I'm just nitpicking
It by no means kills the poem for me, these are just minor things to tighten
Thanks for the read,
Cousin Kil
This is a nice little poem you have, and I especially like your last two lines
like "throwing stones with my friends"- there's a little bit of an undertone to it that would be cool to explore, though perhaps doing so would escape the intention of the poem
There's not too much I can say against the rest of your lines, save that there are a million words out there to mess around with and see what fits
Some of your word choices, while not totally out of place, I feel could be made better
For instance, "scraggily" to me come off as a little odd to describe crinkled foil, and it seemed to be there more for the alliteration than the image
Of course, maybe I'm just nitpicking
It by no means kills the poem for me, these are just minor things to tighten
Thanks for the read,
Cousin Kil