08-11-2015, 11:23 PM
As I went through the first stanza, I found it intensely readable, though dealing with an eerie subject. However, I found the expression 'snowflake flurry' somewhat verbose as 'flurry' by itself would do quite well. Moreover, the metaphor doesn't seem quite appropriate in the context of red lights--- snowflakes denoting beauty, red lights alarm; snowflakes being abundant, which the red lights would not be. I could not quite make out what these red lights are supposed to denote--whether traffic signals, police vans or something else. Again, the expression 'eloquently articulate' seems to be verbose as the word 'eloquently' could be omitted.
As we come to the second stanza, things become slightly confusing. What is it you are describing in the first three lines? Is it the way the 'eloquently articulate' murders would be committed? If so, the apostrophe used in 'heads' and 'mouths' only confuses the meaning. Also, I am not sure whether 'flapping blood' is an apt expression. In the third line of this second stanza, after a colon begins the reference to a 'dirty lighthouse guiding parasites and prostitutes to their respective brothels'. This seems to be a description of the criminal himself and does not appear to have any logical connection with what was said immediately before, so as to justify the use of the colon. The use of 'respective' appears to be superfluous.
Fourth stanza: "I'm here and now, and I'm dead". What is this supposed to mean?
The next stanza appears to be equally vague. To me it seemed like a search for the criminal by the police in a multi-storyed building, but that may not be what you mean. And then the last line: "Articulation is for the blue-blood dead". What I could make out was that it is the death of the blue-blooded that results in noises being made.
As we come to the second stanza, things become slightly confusing. What is it you are describing in the first three lines? Is it the way the 'eloquently articulate' murders would be committed? If so, the apostrophe used in 'heads' and 'mouths' only confuses the meaning. Also, I am not sure whether 'flapping blood' is an apt expression. In the third line of this second stanza, after a colon begins the reference to a 'dirty lighthouse guiding parasites and prostitutes to their respective brothels'. This seems to be a description of the criminal himself and does not appear to have any logical connection with what was said immediately before, so as to justify the use of the colon. The use of 'respective' appears to be superfluous.
Fourth stanza: "I'm here and now, and I'm dead". What is this supposed to mean?
The next stanza appears to be equally vague. To me it seemed like a search for the criminal by the police in a multi-storyed building, but that may not be what you mean. And then the last line: "Articulation is for the blue-blood dead". What I could make out was that it is the death of the blue-blooded that results in noises being made.