Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[tectak]

Hi suni,
this edit is scarifying and makes the whole poem cleaner and less messy. There are now areas of critique which can be more precisely defined. Very well done.
in text suggestions, some repeated nits, but generally the thing is moving in the right direction.
Best,
tectak

SECOND REVISION
Lofty Himalayan peaks, the subject of dreams All peaks are lofty. Find something else to say about them. In your memories eye, try to remember what you felt when the sight hit your conscious thinking. I'd bet you didn't say " Oh, look. Aren't the mountains lofty?". For me, just drop the word. You look out of the window. You are uplifted by the sense of nearness, the danger, the joy of "being" where you are. Muse on it. "Ah", you may fullfillingly exhale, "Himalayan peaks...I am flying over Himalayan peaks..." Now, hold that feeling and think of another word to transmit the image to me. Were you exhiliarated? Then say so.
"Exhiliarating Himalayan peaks, so often in my dreams,"...or something.
seem so near as our plane flies just above. seem so close beneath me that I feel an exquisite thrill, yet..
It’s bliss to see the mountain mountains
enveloped in a radiant and soothing green. No. Not enveloped and not the whole mountain...otherwise you could not see the peaks. Think about what you actually saw. I suspect you looked down on the peaks and saw them rise from a foment of green. So say so...but show me, don't just tell me.
The vast forests, thick with rarest of trees Why "the"? If you end the previous line with "of" you are already in the forest.

It's bliss to see (adjective) mountains
float up from a soothing green sea of
trees; (name some trees found in such a forest)
I hope you are getting the idea. I KNOW you have been there but I want to look through your eyes, not just watch holiday snapshots.

are embroidered with meandering rivers and streams.

Putting up a show I would not miss
are clouds appearing in myriad forms: Why the inversion?
Clouds appear in myriad forms
and put on a show I would not miss....though even this is weak. Would you die if you missed it, were you spiritually fulfilled because you were privileged to see it, would you pay a million dollars to see it? No...you just would not miss it. Get the words singing with your own excitement.

layers of vapor surging ahead,
fluffy balls floating about. Now, fluffy balls, find something else to describe what you saw. Fluffy balls floating about just doesn't do it. Again I say, cast your mind back...did you look in marble-eyed wonder and think...hey...those clouds look like fluffy balls floating about? No. No. No.
I just discerned a goddess looking down,
and now it’s a lion looming through the mist. What is this "it". You do not say. By definition the indefinite article is indefinite. Avoid the "it" word with a resolve as stiff as titanium. Oh, and what mist?

All at once it is a wonderland of clouds
with nothing but clouds all around. Repeat of clouds. Of course the wonderland of clouds is clouded with clouds of clouds....and I say again, "all at once" is weak.
They look like mountains of snow that would outshine
the real snowy peaks they now hide;
as they hide everything else: even the blue sky
peeping out through chinks in the clouds. Peaks,peaks, more with the clouds, snowy peaks cliche from childrens i-spy. Peeping is bad but peeping out is worse. You can do better than this but you are getting there.

No more from me on this. You need some awesome wowsers to give you false praise BUT it IS much better. That is important.
Best,
tectak












REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green.

In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms;
now as layers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.




ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.