08-11-2015, 11:25 AM
Todd,
Thanks a bunch for taking the time to critique my poem!
I'd been having trouble deciding on cuts and parts for reworking, especially because I'm particularly attached to this one, but reading (and re-reading) what you had to say really hit a lot of the nerves I was taking issue with.
I've condensed it down quite a bit and made other alterations for an all around better poem (I think). It'll need a little more smoothing perhaps, but let me know what you think of the revision. I implemented most of your critiques, exempt being the part about dialogue and the title. Firstly, I'm leaning toward disagreeing about the dialogue because 1) I feel it's placement helps with the roll of the words (at least when I read it) and tone ( as you noted) and 2) this was a real experience of mine and honestly I'm having trouble writing anymore detached from it... and perhaps, is it more effective said the way it's said? does that make it more real for a reader? or is that even a valid point? I don't know, but I really like it the way it is. Of course I'll take a revisit to the problem if others find themselves with a similar opinion to yours.
Secondly, I'm really attached to the title, so I placed it as a secondary title which I feel works- I've done that with two other pieces I've written, and honestly, why not have your cake and eat it too haha.
Also, I'm not sure how happy I am with the last two lines. Personally, I don't think they're particularly bad, I'm just worried that they come off sensitive but not sincere... like sensitive for the sake of being sensitive. That was not my experience. I've read many a poem that does that and I resent the hell out of them. I don't write like that, and I don't want to start to.
I'd love to know how it came off when you first read the poem
All in all though, your critiques were the shiz-nit, and I really appreciate all of them.
I know the above is kind of verbose, so I hope it didn't come of as annoying and/or obnoxious
Many thanks,
CK
Thanks a bunch for taking the time to critique my poem!
I'd been having trouble deciding on cuts and parts for reworking, especially because I'm particularly attached to this one, but reading (and re-reading) what you had to say really hit a lot of the nerves I was taking issue with.
I've condensed it down quite a bit and made other alterations for an all around better poem (I think). It'll need a little more smoothing perhaps, but let me know what you think of the revision. I implemented most of your critiques, exempt being the part about dialogue and the title. Firstly, I'm leaning toward disagreeing about the dialogue because 1) I feel it's placement helps with the roll of the words (at least when I read it) and tone ( as you noted) and 2) this was a real experience of mine and honestly I'm having trouble writing anymore detached from it... and perhaps, is it more effective said the way it's said? does that make it more real for a reader? or is that even a valid point? I don't know, but I really like it the way it is. Of course I'll take a revisit to the problem if others find themselves with a similar opinion to yours.
Secondly, I'm really attached to the title, so I placed it as a secondary title which I feel works- I've done that with two other pieces I've written, and honestly, why not have your cake and eat it too haha.
Also, I'm not sure how happy I am with the last two lines. Personally, I don't think they're particularly bad, I'm just worried that they come off sensitive but not sincere... like sensitive for the sake of being sensitive. That was not my experience. I've read many a poem that does that and I resent the hell out of them. I don't write like that, and I don't want to start to.
I'd love to know how it came off when you first read the poem
All in all though, your critiques were the shiz-nit, and I really appreciate all of them.
I know the above is kind of verbose, so I hope it didn't come of as annoying and/or obnoxious
Many thanks,
CK