Contrary and Captivating

[kakashi1090]

I would have to agree with 43. on this one
the content honestly makes me resent the poem and the genre it falls in
it doesn't feel personal, and what you're trying to write about- love -IS COMPLETELY personal
you need to hone your language to make us feel something
I would suggest running with one of the threads of theme you have already, maybe something elemental like the tornado, or the idea of being "tangled"

Hi, kakashi, I think you have something to work with here. The meter is well done and you stick to your form consistently. The place I would start: Consider whether or not the white space supports your poem, I'd like to see how it reads without it. Consider punctuating, I think it would help the reader, and along with that I'd love to see it without the first word of each line capitalized. If you think it helps the poem I'd love to hear why.

Some notes are below.

Good luck with it.

I actually didn't notice the spaces until 43 said something. It was some sort of formatting error since this was in word and then I just dragged it over to the text box. Big mistake on my part because, no it is pretty gross looking that way lol. Let me reformat it a bit so it isn't atrocious to look at anymore. However it is a good thing to stumble upon in case I can use it later. How's it go? Each mistake is an opportunity for success? Something like that...

I am a tornado
reaching to Aether.
Hands made of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds
Your whims are my way
Although I'm uncertain
My direction won't change

I am surely a danger,
But you seem unfazed.
With canines of diamonds
You spare me your grace.
My lust is for loving
Your reaching my way
Your sapphire iris
Has pierced through my grey

Tell me, oh Goddess
As you rule o'er this plain
Why me you beckon
A product of rain
Your motions permitting
Assuming they're true
Make these winds blow West
and guide me to you


I also decided to rework my approach a bit. As the other comments said it was rather vague and shallow. It's pretty much an overhaul but what the hell. I liked what Kil had said about running with a thread. (Dear God I rhymed in conversation can you tell I've been thinking this through)
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I appreciate the response greatly! I am a huge fan of how people go down the poem adding notes and such to it. It's very helpful to me to see how the reader is responding throughout the read. I do aim for a lack of conviction in the character but I see how the conviction would really compliment the end since he is basically going "Well fine whatever I'll go for it" in a way. I'll edit it below.




I'm twisted and churning
to expose you my features.
My body of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds,
your whims are my way.
Although I'm uncertain,
my direction won't change.

You've seen my destruction,
yet you seem unfazed.
Your white diamond smile
soothes my torturous self-blame.
"Created for cleansing",
you claim it's my place.
Your sapphire iris
has pierced through my grey.

I'm thankful, oh Goddess
Who rules o'er this plain
You've seen I shine brightly
in spite of the rain.
Your words are a doldrum
to winds both anxious and confused.
Now make them blow West
and guide me to you.