08-11-2015, 03:55 AM
I've seen -each- of you glancing,
Your turn away pangs
Pretending I'm silent
When so loud I've sang
Not sure the past tense is what you're looking for in that stanza, but this was the rhyme that came to mind. If you'd want to keep "louder I'll sing" perhaps 'the turn away stings' would be a good substitute for the second line... I'm not particularly in love with my suggestions but hopefully they spark an idea in your head.
Otherwise this is a pretty cool poem. I like the idea your tackling here, though I feel I've read and heard it before. It's not that your poem isn't lovely, I think just needs some working to make it feel really original. Some of the language, like your descriptors for the stage ("lonely, old stage"), feel tired and commonplace. What I would suggest is altering those pieces, maybe even your location too, to really create interest and put it over the top.
These are really good bones here though, and I still enjoyed reading it.
Best,
Cousin Kil
Your turn away pangs
Pretending I'm silent
When so loud I've sang
Not sure the past tense is what you're looking for in that stanza, but this was the rhyme that came to mind. If you'd want to keep "louder I'll sing" perhaps 'the turn away stings' would be a good substitute for the second line... I'm not particularly in love with my suggestions but hopefully they spark an idea in your head.
Otherwise this is a pretty cool poem. I like the idea your tackling here, though I feel I've read and heard it before. It's not that your poem isn't lovely, I think just needs some working to make it feel really original. Some of the language, like your descriptors for the stage ("lonely, old stage"), feel tired and commonplace. What I would suggest is altering those pieces, maybe even your location too, to really create interest and put it over the top.
These are really good bones here though, and I still enjoyed reading it.
Best,
Cousin Kil