On The Stair, In The Hall

[Todd]

Hi Cousin Kil', welcome to the site! Okay let me give you some feedback.

ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL--The title doesn't do much for you. I also have some slight troubles with your first line. I don't think the setting is the important part. Perhaps pull up some of your current first line as a replacement title "Last I Saw Her"

Last I saw her, she looked --If you go that route "She looked like a chimney" might be a better opening. The current line is all transition. It doesn't pull us in. If the title focuses us instead on what the speaker SAW than rapid fire descriptors like you have may focus the poem better.
like a chimney sat alone in a field where--Where doesn't seem like an exceptionally strong word to break on. Consider breaking on field maybe.
a home use to be--used
and her eyes, man, her eyes--I don't mind the repetition or the voice here.
were green lit fire--I like that this still fits with the chimney idea you first introduce. It implies intensity.
like tender and care--Not fond of this. It doesn't add to the image. Its not what I would take away from fire. You could play with the idea of warming you, but these words just don't convey a lot.
and hold you hazy--Hold is a bit difficult to connect here, but the hold you hazy isn't bad because it implies smoke--again it ties into your chimney image.
and love you
and she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while--There is something I like in the tone of all this. There's a point though where dialogue simply feels like dialogue. I'd like to see you tighten this up a bit without as much he said/she said repetition.
and I haven’t seen her since
but I can see those eyes in my head--You need more build up than just showing her eyes earlier to make this line be believable. There's got to be more happening and more at stake.
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying--This sort of "I knew she was lying" revelation might make for a really good ending line if you restructured.
so I told her she’d never have to tell me
what it was
but that we’d probably never be here again
on the stair, together
and that she could tell me what hurt
and never be here again
she could tell me what hurt
and maybe she’d feel better--Again lot of repeating the same idea. If you condensed this you would have room to explore other things in the same space.
then her lip trembled
and she tried to hold it in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural
then we went in the hallway--Again, this sequence may set mood but it needs to be more memorable. You need to go deeper with these ideas to have them break loose.
and sat through the--bad line break here, pull up damp morning maybe.
damp morning while she vaguely described --I like damp morning. It also seems to imply mood and a shift of emotion.
the horror of her life, and the soot--Soot good, horror of her life is shorthand that can't connect anything. You would be better with one or two subtle concrete things that happened to her.
and I hoped with my arms that I’d
kept her warm for the time--Not a horrible ending. I think it would be stronger if the speaker actually believed that's what they were doing and then further down the poem ending on the "I knew she was lying" idea.


Just thoughts

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This one's kind of personal. I'm putting it in Serious because though I think it's close to being finished, there are parts that need flushing out and parts that I think come off as cliche, even if the feeling in them isn't. Beat it up. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

I hope some of that helped. There are things I like here that I think you could develop.

Best,

Todd