08-11-2015, 02:14 AM
Revision
ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL
She looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field
where a home used to be,
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire
like hold you hazy
and love you
she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while,
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying
then her lip trembled,
dragged out a drop like smoke
that she tried to hold in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural,
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the damp morning feeling choked
as she vaguely described
her stamped out hearth,
her new grey lines,
the soot,
and I hoped with my arms
I’d kept her warm for the time
Original
ON THE STAIR, IN THE HALL
Last I saw her, she looked
like a chimney sat alone in a field where
a home used to be
and her eyes, man, her eyes
were green lit fire
like tender and care
and hold you hazy
and love you
and she said to me
I don’t wanna be a burden
and I told her
It’s okay to be a burden every
once in a while
and I haven’t seen her since
but I can see those eyes in my head
as she stood on the stair
telling me she was just fine and I knew she was lying
so I told her she’d never have to tell me
what it was
but that we’d probably never be here again
on the stair, together
and that she could tell me what hurt
and never be here again
she could tell me what hurt
and maybe she’d feel better
then her lip trembled
and she tried to hold it in but
I grabbed her and put her
under my chin, which was easy
‘cause she was small,
and it felt natural
then we went in the hallway
and sat through the
damp morning while she vaguely described
the horror of her life, and the soot
and I hoped with my arms that I’d
kept her warm for the time
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This one's kind of personal. I'm putting it in Serious because though I think it's close to being finished, there are parts that need flushing out and parts that I think come off as cliche, even if the feeling in them isn't. Beat it up. Let me know what you think. Thanks.