08-10-2015, 09:25 PM
(08-08-2015, 05:20 PM)sunilmathur Wrote: REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun Glancing out is fun...but only sporadically. That is what "glancing" as a vision parameter means. It is not what you mean it to mean. Wrong word choice. I fear there will be more.
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. This is one hell of a long sentence...life, even. You are trying to say too much too quickly. I only say "you" because this is written in first person and I can see "you" are overcome. Read your work out loud and hear where the natural and/or dramatic pauses occur, then punctuate accordingly. Because this is still no more than hyperbolic travel-add stuff you need to leave something to the imagination (not necessarily the intelligence) of the reader. So:
"Looking out of a plane's window can be fun.
I experienced this grand high on a flight
over the jagged peaks of the Himalayan range.
Inspired by their vanishing-point continuity
and by their timeless presence, my gaze
turned to to awe(overused word) and I was overcome
by their ineffable (are you Hindi? The meaning is effectively different) beauty."
No more. Your poem. The point is that you make no point by over modifying with blatantly obvious descriptors. It weakens the poem; a poem, I repeat, which has no meter, no rhyme, no core metaphor, no attempt at conforming even to syllable count and is little more than a string of cliches. You may not like this but only you can put it right, and you can and you should. In one stanza we have "lofty" to describe a mountain, "wondering" to describe a gaze, (which, incidentally was a "glance" a bat of an eye ago), "rare" and "ineffable" to describe "beauty" when "ineffable" means "beyond words" or if Hindi, "not to be spoken"...but you went right on and did it anyway)Word choice wonky and pretentious...dilettante comes to mind. Show me I am wrong.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests So you go on with cliche upon cliche. Sometimes cliches are VERY difficult to replace with anything as specific as what you are trying to say...but "enveloped in dense forest"? I googled the phrase....About 453,000 results (0.75 seconds) Now I know that this is unfair, but you can see how overused the expression is. I know you can do better with your OWN words.
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams eg. a forest patchwork stitched together with the silk threads of rivers and streams.
exuded the soothing radiance of green. I just know I will regret this but this line has some merit on a couple of levels whilst it fails on just one. The word "exude" is a great choice. Its biological meaning is to "ooze from pores", like sweat or, metaphorical sweat, the surplus water from leaves of trees. It can also mean to manifest a state of being, as in "exuding confidence" and so again, the metaphor holds up as you are about to describe a "feeling". The colour green is known to be the "most soothing" of colours. However, the "radiation" of an exudence is just too much. Frankly, I am tempted to read "...radiated (the soothing exudance of) green.", because at least one can "see" a radiated colour. It is very difficult to envisage how one can exude a radiance. Moot point, admittedly, but this is Serious.
In the sky above was going on Now, this is horrible. "was going on" is just lousy english and that's an end to it. If you cannot see why, then you cannot see why. Examine the sentence then read this." In the sky above a theatre of dance began/displayed/performed/) was going on? No. I do not think so.
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms; the last two lines continues the theatrical theme which I offered with the duality of the word "show". Your poem, but these lines are not without visual imagery and though the "myriad shapes and forms" is another massive cliche, it is as I intimated, difficult sometimes. The Hindi reference I made earlier was from ( I read the poem through several times) the primary Godly characteristic of Visvarupebhyah who appears "in myriad shapes and forms". So it is a cliche of "biblical proportions" and to be avoided for that reason.
now as layers of vapor surging forth This is the last niggle on cliches. You must get the message by now....surging forth for Pete's sake....aaaarrrrggggghhhh!
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment The last four lines are incredibly weak descriptively. That you "see" a lion in the clouds, or a Goddess (whose nationality is known by her cloud form?
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon; accepting that the horizon, most accurately observed from sea level is, for a 1.9 metre high pair of eyes looking out to sea, about five kilometres away, it should take no mathematics to deduce that at a height of 15,000 metres the horizon would be "distant"...hell, it's quite a long way on the beach. So "distant" is redundant and just another filler word. Now, about the "in" word. Do you want the cliched "looming large" lion to be "in" the distance or "on" the horizon? Your call...but not both, please.
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.
All at once the scene changed into what seemed ....and with one bound, he was free. All at once/all of a sudden/suddenly is kid's books stuff. You could make much more of this by indicating the speed, the shock element, the unlikelyness, the surprise, the absolute disbelief that such a change could occur...but "All at once..." Oh, come on.
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. Oh. It IS for kids. My apologies.
They seemed to be mountains of snow Who they? You do not say. A disconnect. Now, I know you mean the clouds, because you referred to "A" fairyland of "clouds". Give in to the metaphor:
A fairyland of clouds encircled us.
Like castles of snow in a winter sun
they replaced the icy peaks we knew
were there below, hidden from view.
The blue sky, too, was stolen from us;
glimpsed only between the parapets,
the towers and the vertiginous walls.
I will/do regret rewriting your stuff and I strongly advise you to say my offerings are crap and you can do much better on your own, thank you very much and piss off you puffed up pedant. Good. I look forward to the next edit...and probably the one after that and the one after that and...are you sure you do not want this moving to Mild before some other power crazed mod decides you are not pulling you weight on the crit front and moves you anyway? Your response is critical but this crit is kindly sent and should be so received.
Best,
tectak
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.
ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.
(08-08-2015, 05:20 PM)sunilmathur Wrote: ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.