08-10-2015, 12:07 PM
Hey Mark!
Fellow Virginian here and equally new to the forum
I like this poem a good deal
The most effective thing for me was the line about the oak, with the white space giving the line a feeling apart from the happier ones, those which describe swinging and playing and so forth
What I'd love to see is this contrast made even more drastic, perhaps with some detailing and careful word choice
that will accentuate the drama even more and really hammer home the "oh shit" moment when we realize the tree's implied history
this is not to say that the tree's history should be outlined for us, rather the unsureness about the tree makes for an even more uneasy appearance in the poem
all I'm saying is those happy, bright details could be made sharper for a bigger pay off
hope this makes sense, and all in all cool poem
CK
Fellow Virginian here and equally new to the forum
I like this poem a good deal
The most effective thing for me was the line about the oak, with the white space giving the line a feeling apart from the happier ones, those which describe swinging and playing and so forth
What I'd love to see is this contrast made even more drastic, perhaps with some detailing and careful word choice
that will accentuate the drama even more and really hammer home the "oh shit" moment when we realize the tree's implied history
this is not to say that the tree's history should be outlined for us, rather the unsureness about the tree makes for an even more uneasy appearance in the poem
all I'm saying is those happy, bright details could be made sharper for a bigger pay off
hope this makes sense, and all in all cool poem
CK