The Family Tree

[just mercedes]

Hello folks-
  I am new to this forum, so I shall introduce myself.  My name is Mark Becker and I live in Herndon, VA with my spouse (Pam), dog (Jack), and cat (Merlin).  I was born in DC and have lived in this area for most of my 60 years, and in Herndon for the past 25.  Our son flew the coop to figure things out on his own.
  I've been writing poems and songs for quite awhile, and criticism is valuable to me: both receiving and giving it.  
  If any of the work I submit here were published, then I wouldn't be submitting it "for further review".  That said, I'll jump into this pigpen, get dirty, and try to oink responsibly.  
  If you so choose, then here's my first piece in the pen for you to take some chews on:  


The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight, 'broad daylight' feels like a cliche - Even on a bright day?
while children laugh and play  laugh and play ditto, although it echoes the words of Mary had a little lamb, and maybe that's not a bad thing.  - laughing children play?
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  I like the way the white space here seems to suggest that grandaddy is also a 'gnarled old southern oak'. I'm hesitant about three adjectives in a row though.


He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. I'd like to see 'there' become 'here', just to give a rhyme to 'near' and knit it together further with sonics.


But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing these line breaks feel uneasy - your iambs upset with the last line's 'now'.

now, they swing free.


… mb

Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed the read, it's very close to finished, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you revise. I think the title is great. This made me think of James Baldwin's letter My dungeon shook.