08-10-2015, 06:05 AM
Some thoughts on the title: I wasn't sure I loved it at first, and since I've been writing this critique, I've continued to waver. It informs the poem and tells me a bit about how I should read it, and I think that's the best a title can do. I did experiment a bit with it (*see my butchery below)-- I thought about removing the title altogether in favor of something else, and adding a line between 2 and 3 of the last stanza that reads "on that gnarled family tree" or "on that old family tree"-- this allowed for the poem to delay the realization of the family imagery in a dramatic way, and it quieted what I fear is currently a too overt double-meaning. Doing so made "tree" in line 2 of the last stanza superfluous, though, and I think that word is just too perfect there as you have it. As you'll see, I couldn't find anything else that worked nearly as well as what you have. Another detail nags at me- I assume that granddaddy is somehow related to the children, but when the speaker/granddaddy says "respectable folks", it feels like he's referring to strangers. Maybe, though, this is intended- granddaddy stands alone. All this to say, I like the idea of including the reference somewhere, but I worry that it predisposes the reader to a certain reading when it may be more of a thrill to uncover the sentiment in a more subtle way later in the poem.
The Family Tree
Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near
that gnarled old southern oak.
I think this line should continue to remain alone. I think of granddaddy standing alone as he watches, and of the dramatic "distance" of a past too troubling to define from the innocence of the present. I don't like "southern", though. I don't see any other "southern" themes, and it doesn't imply the personal history of the "tree" the way the (perfectly chosen) "gnarled" does. I'd suggest "white" instead, as it a) reminds us of granddaddy, b) gives the oak more definition than "southern", c) lends the tree a sort of innocence that intensifies the tension between what granddaddy knows and what the children experience (especially just next to the sinister "gnarled"), and d) avoids what I think of as a tired romanticism (gothic or otherwise) associated with the "southern" in poetry.
He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
Is respectable the best word? It seems to me to diminish the gravity of what granddaddy "remembers" about the oak. If this is the tree we went to as kids to get drunk on daddy's whiskey and look at girly magazines, "respectable" is good; but if something considerably worse happened here, as I suspect it has (otherwise, the line shouldn't stand alone), maybe you want something more like "responsible" or "God-fearing" or "folks with half a wit". I do like how "folksy" "respectable folks" is, though-- it makes granddaddy gruff. I think the same of "alright"- seems a little mild for the task. But then again, maybe that's either just how granddaddy avoids disclosing too much about what happened, or since we don't seem to actually hear his words, perhaps "it's not alright / for respectable folks" is how people interpret his literal (unrecorded) words. If either/both are true, it'd be good to have another clue about this elsewhere in the poem. I recognize I'm assuming a lot about the history of the tree...
to let children play there.
But for these kids it’s just
a tree (tire?), and when they swing
on that old family tree
for now, they swing free.
I, too, wondered about "now", but I really enjoy the uncertainty it leaves us with-- they swing free now, but what later? Did granddaddy swing free once?
I notice that everything here is in the present tense. Is it worth considering associating granddaddy with the past tense to underscore the past/present tension? I'm not sure just yet how this would look, but perhaps toying with tense in lines 6-8 could be interesting. Then again, if everything is in the present, it serves to further distance granddaddy from the "now" of the kids, which is nice too. I'm of two minds.
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Thank you for the poem. I really think it has a great effect. I admire that you can stir up so much in so few lines- I have a lot of trouble with that.
The Family Tree
Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near
that gnarled old southern oak.
I think this line should continue to remain alone. I think of granddaddy standing alone as he watches, and of the dramatic "distance" of a past too troubling to define from the innocence of the present. I don't like "southern", though. I don't see any other "southern" themes, and it doesn't imply the personal history of the "tree" the way the (perfectly chosen) "gnarled" does. I'd suggest "white" instead, as it a) reminds us of granddaddy, b) gives the oak more definition than "southern", c) lends the tree a sort of innocence that intensifies the tension between what granddaddy knows and what the children experience (especially just next to the sinister "gnarled"), and d) avoids what I think of as a tired romanticism (gothic or otherwise) associated with the "southern" in poetry.
He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
Is respectable the best word? It seems to me to diminish the gravity of what granddaddy "remembers" about the oak. If this is the tree we went to as kids to get drunk on daddy's whiskey and look at girly magazines, "respectable" is good; but if something considerably worse happened here, as I suspect it has (otherwise, the line shouldn't stand alone), maybe you want something more like "responsible" or "God-fearing" or "folks with half a wit". I do like how "folksy" "respectable folks" is, though-- it makes granddaddy gruff. I think the same of "alright"- seems a little mild for the task. But then again, maybe that's either just how granddaddy avoids disclosing too much about what happened, or since we don't seem to actually hear his words, perhaps "it's not alright / for respectable folks" is how people interpret his literal (unrecorded) words. If either/both are true, it'd be good to have another clue about this elsewhere in the poem. I recognize I'm assuming a lot about the history of the tree...
to let children play there.
But for these kids it’s just
a tree (tire?), and when they swing
on that old family tree
for now, they swing free.
I, too, wondered about "now", but I really enjoy the uncertainty it leaves us with-- they swing free now, but what later? Did granddaddy swing free once?
I notice that everything here is in the present tense. Is it worth considering associating granddaddy with the past tense to underscore the past/present tension? I'm not sure just yet how this would look, but perhaps toying with tense in lines 6-8 could be interesting. Then again, if everything is in the present, it serves to further distance granddaddy from the "now" of the kids, which is nice too. I'm of two minds.
… mb
[/quote]
Thank you for the poem. I really think it has a great effect. I admire that you can stir up so much in so few lines- I have a lot of trouble with that.