Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[Brownlie]

REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun - For a lofty poem about a dramatic landscape this line works to cut the drama for me. I think this line is also trochaic, so take note if you care about such things. "be fun" feels a little like filler, and it may weaken the first line. However, I do think it is better than anything with thee, thou, hath, etc. 
as I was to experience on this flight -- "as I was to, on this." There is a lot of filler in this line, and the phrasing still sounds awkward to me.  
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity -- Comma before which.
presented to my wondering gaze -- Can you use a better adjective or other kind of word than "wondering." 
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. -- I could sort of see using the word ineffable if you were trying to convey a something romantic. However, "a scene of rare and ineffable beauty" can probably be altered to make it more interesting or new. 
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green. -- "the soothing radiance of green"? Why not a green soothing radiance. You may be able to go either way I suppose.


In the sky above was going on -- "was going on" seems like wonky filler to me, and I think it should be changed.
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms;
now as layers of vapor surging forth
and now as fluffy balls floating around
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess -- I suppose you could reference a more specific Greek god. This sequence is interesting to me because the position of sight in this poem gives the speaker a power to gaze above a Greek  goddesses. Not sure about "some" though.
looking down.

All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. -- Fairyland acts like a huge interruption in the poem for me. So I suppose you should make sure it's not simply an adjective that you picked to fit the meter. 
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks -- Maybe a comma after peaks. 
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices. -- Not a bad ending




ORIGINAL VERSION
Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

I don't think the poem is bad, but I think there is some sloppiness to it. Thanks for posting.