08-09-2015, 05:54 PM
Thanks Mercedes for your suggestions and comments. I do agree that the poetic quality has to be enhanced and that some tightening is required. I hope to work out a revised version in this direction. I do realize that 'glance' and 'gaze' have different connotations. That is why the initial reference is to 'glance' and 'gaze' is used only when interest in the scenery has been aroused. In any case, I intend now to delete the initial one or two lines so that the point will, in any case, become irrelevant. As regards 'continuity', the allusion is to the fact that the slopes and valleys were continuous in their extent so as not to leave the slightest gap between hills. In any case, I would perhaps be considering even this line for deletion. As regards your remark, 'circles don't have sides', I think there is no reference in the poem to the sides of a circle. It is the plane that was encircled on all sides, and a plane does have sides. In any case the dictionary definition of 'encircle' has nothing to do with a geometrical circle. It simply means 'surround'. "Mountains of snow outshining the real peaks which they hid from view". Your remark: "They can't outshine them and hide them at the same time". True, but it was only a moment back that the clouds started hiding the snowy peaks from view. The snowy peaks were obscured from actual view and not from memory: so the comparison was possible. "As they hid everything else; even the blue sky". Your comment: "If they hid everything else, nothing should be visible. No blue sky at all". Your attention is drawn to the very next line which says that the blue sky was only partially visible through crevices. By the way, the crevices are not in the plane but in the thick layers of clouds that envelope the sky. It is through these crevices in the clouds that the blue sky is 'scarcely visible'. As regards 'surging forth' and floating around' of the clouds, yes, I could see that from the plane's window. When the clouds were in the form of thin vapour, they seemed to be surging ahead. When they were in the form of fluffy balls, they simply floated around (slowly). I can assure you the poem is based entirely on personal observation and not on imagination or reading. All this is not by way of defense of the poem, and certainly not by way of criticizing your remarks. It is only by way of clarifying certain points that would otherwise remain in doubt. I do hope to work out something better with the help and guidance of you all.