08-09-2015, 02:04 PM
Hi - I was attracted by the name of your poem. It's a unique and beautiful part of the world you describe. I don't think your poem is doing justice to the scene, yet.
.
REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun Which is it? Are you glancing, or gazing? They're different.
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity What do you mean by 'continuity'?
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. 'rare and ineffable' is too abstract. Describe what about them makes them beautiful to you. This first stanza reads like prose with line breaks. Where are the poetic devices?
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green. This is sounding like a travel ad. I'd like some original images here. 'soothing radiance' is too abstract. Again, very prosey.
In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms; Is there a difference between the form and the shape of a cloud?
now as layers of vapor surging forth,
and now as fluffy balls floating around surging forth and floating around? Really? You could see that?
or nestling against mountain peaks. I'm not sure 'nestling' works
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon; how can it loom large and be distant?
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.
All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. Circles don't have sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view; they can't outshine them and hide them at the same time
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky if they hid everything else, nothing would be visible. No blue sky at all.
scarcely visible through crevices. I can't work out how, from a plane, you can see the sky through a crevice.
I'd love to see you choose your words with more attention, cut out all the filler words, and show me some original descriptions. Why a fairyland? Can you see castles? - then show them to me.
.
REVISED VERSION
Glancing out of a plane's window can be fun Which is it? Are you glancing, or gazing? They're different.
as I was to experience on this flight
passing over lofty Himalayan ranges
which, inspiring awe by their continuity What do you mean by 'continuity'?
presented to my wondering gaze
a scene of rare and ineffable beauty. 'rare and ineffable' is too abstract. Describe what about them makes them beautiful to you. This first stanza reads like prose with line breaks. Where are the poetic devices?
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
interwoven with meandering rivers and streams
exuded the soothing radiance of green. This is sounding like a travel ad. I'd like some original images here. 'soothing radiance' is too abstract. Again, very prosey.
In the sky above was going on
a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad shapes and forms; Is there a difference between the form and the shape of a cloud?
now as layers of vapor surging forth,
and now as fluffy balls floating around surging forth and floating around? Really? You could see that?
or nestling against mountain peaks. I'm not sure 'nestling' works
They reminded one moment
of a mighty lion looming large
in the distant horizon; how can it loom large and be distant?
and another, of some Greek goddess
looking down.
All at once the scene changed into what seemed
a fairyland of clouds, encircling us on all sides. Circles don't have sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view; they can't outshine them and hide them at the same time
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky if they hid everything else, nothing would be visible. No blue sky at all.
scarcely visible through crevices. I can't work out how, from a plane, you can see the sky through a crevice.
I'd love to see you choose your words with more attention, cut out all the filler words, and show me some original descriptions. Why a fairyland? Can you see castles? - then show them to me.