Squint

[Cousin Kil]

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.  


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.

Hi Kakashi,
thanks for all complements (love to find my imagery has a positive effect) and your critique is very helpful
In the line "it relates", I really liked the brevity of it. It wrote and sounded to me like something one who "smolders casually" would say
To keep up the tone, do you think altering it to "we relate" would suffice to express that "I've been there" feeling"?... I think I like the sound of that, curious as to what you think about it...

I do, and I agree the concise line does well where it is. Maybe even "I relate" to give the character just a slight hint of vulnerability?

Ooooo, I dig that even more
Made the change, many thanks Kakashi