Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[sunilmathur]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

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Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

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Thanks Grace for your comments and suggestions. I have posted a revised version and will be grateful for your views on it.

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Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

---

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.
But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.
Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

There's not much I can add to the previous critiques, except to say I'm still up there in that plane, looking at Himalayan cloud, so please keep on with this.    .To be honest, I responded to it as I would a piece of prose. One read was all I needed to put a powerful image in my mind. I found  myself shedding superfluous words in order to retain that image. N.B: One person could point to a cloud and say: "Can you see Jesus?". His companion frowns and shakes his head: "Nah, it's a cliche".  I think a key for this poem is to simplify it. Thank you for the read of this. Grace.

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Thanks Grace for your comments and suggestions. I have put up a revised version. Please let me know how it looks.