Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[tectak]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.cc
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty: c
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory cccccc
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;cc
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cottoncccccccc
floating in the sky cc
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion c
looming large in the distant horizon;ccc
and another, of some Greek goddess Just awful
overlooking the scene.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane ccc and awful
wandered into a fairyland of clouds Jury is out...you can often avoid cliches by saying something so outlandish that no one else has said it before and never will
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow er, yes. There is a good chance...
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices. Confused

As you have posted this in Serious one assumes that you intend workshopping "it". I use indefinite article advisedly...what do you believe you have written? You may get away with unadulterated prose just out of RTF school masquerading as poetry on some eulogy sites but not here. You cannot cobble together strings of cliches cut with bizarre and completely random line breaks and think that meterless (fine), rhymeless(fine) text makes poetry. Rather than go line by line through this, which we would both find painful, can I make two suggestions? Firstly, and because you have really tried to be "poetic", get rid of the cliches marked with a ©. These are someone else's words. Use you own. Secondly, consider having this moved to Novice where you will have time to consider which way you want to go without being mauled by the crits in Serious. Oh, and avoid colonic discharges.
Best,
tectak