Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[MattVoscinar]

Rising through turbulent layers of moist air
the plane soon reached dizzying heights.
Unfolding below was a scene of ineffable beauty:
the lofty Himalayas stood in all their pristine glory
covered with thick green forests
interspersed with meandering paths
carved out by rivers and streams.

It is clear you want strong imagery from this stanza, but there are some descriptions that are detrimental to the poem. Things like "dizzying heights" and "pristine glory" are too cliche for a poem that is looking to point out unique beauty in landscape. Another issue is the use of voice in the third line. This poem needs to be active and "unfolding below was..." is far too passive.

But it was the clouds that stole the show;
now seen as layers of vapour surging ahead
and now as fluffy balls of cotton
floating in the sky
or nestling against mountain peaks.
They reminded one moment of a mighty lion
looming large in the distant horizon;
and another, of some Greek goddess
overlooking the scene.

The first line here tells too much. Rather than tell us that the clouds stole the show, prove it. Make us marvel at them, rather than take you on your word. This leads me to what you can cut. Get rid of the first line and "now seen as" in the second line. I'd also like to see you remove the fluffy simile. It's far too cliche. Consider reworking this line or removing in entirely. The lion comparison doesn't work for me either. I'd remove it and still with the Greek goddess line as your closer.

Fascinating as this panorama was
it was a sight to watch when the plane
wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling it on all sides.
They seemed to be mountains of snow
outshining the real snowy peaks
which they hid from view;
as they hid everything else:
even the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

Here, you can cut everything before "wandered" are replace it with "we." I know that your talking about the plane at this point, and your telling me what sight to behold is getting tedious. In the same light, replace "it" with us. The first person pronouns will connect the speaker more personally. There is a lot to cut here, so I'll post below an idea of how I'd like it to read:

We wandered into a fairyland of clouds
encircling us on all sides.
They were mountains of snow
outshining the snowy peaks
And hiding the blue sky
scarcely visible through crevices.

In this example, the stanza moves forward without the extra wording and tells us exactly what we need to know.

I like the idea of the poem. Nature is something that we can all appreciate. Work on cutting extra words that slow everything down and take away from the images. Then, focus on finding new ways to depict the scene.   Finally, consider changing this poem to present tense. It will add urgency to the poem and keep it from sounding like a retelling.