08-08-2015, 05:54 AM
Hello again Tigonfre-
There is a lot in this poem that I like, and with a few edits it could be much stronger. see in-line notes, below:
The King of the Old Earth I think another title would work better
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged . period needed here
Fallen, wingless drakes
breathe fire just as wicked. period needed here. Please punctuate or the reading gets messed up. That said I love the sound of the line "Fallen"... to "wicked"
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flamePLEASE punctuate. It's really messing with my reading.
The defeated always learn
to return with better aimOverall successful stanza, esp the last two lines.
A crown isn't a king;! good one!
a kingdom isn't power.lesser ! but continues the good one's tone
A voice that can only sing From here.... to the end of the stanza needs to be re-done , I think
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hateBeware the urge to rhyme here, as rhyming typically adds sing-songy sounds that are out of tune here
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
This stanza ids filler that can be cut, as it adds nothing new.
He desecrates the darknessThe poem is listing at this point... you're losing control, letting thr rhymes take over. Resist that urge.
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider I really like the sound of this stanza and the rhymes are much softer/slanted.
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve even slanting the rhymes can't save this stanza
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver meter outta whack here. Maybe : "He is wrath's sole receiver."
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost soulsWe're well into the tale of Lucifer here. The stanza feels a bit unstable.
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales
of the luminous deceiver:
Lucifer
BINGO- here he appears in name. But why? I already know who you speak of.
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth.
OK, I get the "worth" to " earth" rhyme, yet it is another eaxmple of you letting the urge to rhyme drive your writing. You lose a lot of control over the tone and content by doing that, my friend
All of that said, you display more power in this piece than in any other poem of yours that I've read on the site so far. That indicates progress. This could be a very powerful poem of you just let it say what you want it to say, and stop falling back on rhymes to "save" you. Also- PLEASE work on the punctuation. I am no grammarian, but the lack of punctuation in some places damn near destroyed the reading for me. You were writing this for me/us,, right? Then don't allow stumbling blocks to trip us up and things will read a lot smoother.
This is a much longer critique than I intended, but I see something really worth working out in this one. C'mom Tigon, make it burn, burn burn!!
Thanks!
... Mark
There is a lot in this poem that I like, and with a few edits it could be much stronger. see in-line notes, below:
The King of the Old Earth I think another title would work better
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged . period needed here
Fallen, wingless drakes
breathe fire just as wicked. period needed here. Please punctuate or the reading gets messed up. That said I love the sound of the line "Fallen"... to "wicked"
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flamePLEASE punctuate. It's really messing with my reading.
The defeated always learn
to return with better aimOverall successful stanza, esp the last two lines.
A crown isn't a king;! good one!
a kingdom isn't power.lesser ! but continues the good one's tone
A voice that can only sing From here.... to the end of the stanza needs to be re-done , I think
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hateBeware the urge to rhyme here, as rhyming typically adds sing-songy sounds that are out of tune here
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
This stanza ids filler that can be cut, as it adds nothing new.
He desecrates the darknessThe poem is listing at this point... you're losing control, letting thr rhymes take over. Resist that urge.
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider I really like the sound of this stanza and the rhymes are much softer/slanted.
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve even slanting the rhymes can't save this stanza
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver meter outta whack here. Maybe : "He is wrath's sole receiver."
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost soulsWe're well into the tale of Lucifer here. The stanza feels a bit unstable.
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales
of the luminous deceiver:
Lucifer
BINGO- here he appears in name. But why? I already know who you speak of.
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth.
OK, I get the "worth" to " earth" rhyme, yet it is another eaxmple of you letting the urge to rhyme drive your writing. You lose a lot of control over the tone and content by doing that, my friend
All of that said, you display more power in this piece than in any other poem of yours that I've read on the site so far. That indicates progress. This could be a very powerful poem of you just let it say what you want it to say, and stop falling back on rhymes to "save" you. Also- PLEASE work on the punctuation. I am no grammarian, but the lack of punctuation in some places damn near destroyed the reading for me. You were writing this for me/us,, right? Then don't allow stumbling blocks to trip us up and things will read a lot smoother.
This is a much longer critique than I intended, but I see something really worth working out in this one. C'mom Tigon, make it burn, burn burn!!
Thanks!
... Mark